Why I won’t be blogging until further notice

Trigger warning: talk of depression, anxiety disorders & suicidal ideation/suicide.

I’m usually one for reaching out and talking about the difficult topics.

But in the past 6 or so months, I have been struggling (in varying degrees) with so much mentally.

But talking about this is so much harder now… Previously I had never been in that place.. Where I couldn’t bring myself to care and I was terrified of myself & my thoughts.

Now, I am too vulnerable. Anything but support is potentially damaging.. And putting yourself out there on the Internet pretty much guarantees a variety of views/beliefs.

I know the stigma too well. Even in my real life I’m surrounded by people who don’t take mental illness seriously, let alone my mental health. I know that so many people do not understand or accept mental illness and/or generalise and have a warped view of it.. not to mention the hurtful comments about medication and therapy.

I’m glad though, because this means they haven’t felt like I have.

However, it hurts. It pains me to hear people talk about depression and/or anxiety like it isn’t a serious issue.. Or like it can be overcome with optimism.

I know how blessed I am, I don’t take anything for granted, I know that I have so much to look forward to. I know that there are great qualities about me. It’s just not that simple.

At the same time, I get it.. Because I distinctly remember not-too-long-ago thinking that I could use my intelligence and sheer will to change the way I felt… to stop the seemingly never-ending stream of self-hate or put an end to an anxiety attack. I’m only now coming to terms with my mental illness and what it means.

It is true that that there are tools to help cope with how you react to situations.. but there are so many other factors in play. Mental illness is (often) chemical and it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not a result of not being able to talk yourself out of slipping into thought patterns. Believe me, I’m determined, clever and strong.. if that were possible, I would have done so by now.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I won’t be blogging because I’m struggling to share my thoughts.. not just with strangers on the web but with people in my life.. especially those who don’t really know me.

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P.S. Also, I best let you know that I’ve increased the help and support that I can and am working hard with my psych as well as my healthcare team to do the best that I can to get through this, particularly when my hormones are so high. I will be ok, I know that.

2012!

It seems I took a bit of a break from blogging over the festive season! I can’t believe we are 11 days into 2012 already!

Christmas & Cameron’s 2nd birthday both were amazing and we were left with full bellies and a serious toy overload. I have been trying to re-organise his playroom but it looks as though we will have to take up some space in our spare room for his massive Thomas the Tank Engine collection!

I can’t believe my son is 2! Well, I can, if I look at him and how much of a little boy he is and how far he has come since he was born.

I’m 28.5 weeks pregnant with our daughter and all is going well. I have my first psychologist appointment tomorrow, alongside another doctor appointment. My medication has been increased slightly after several depressive episodes. It feels strange to be battling depression more than anxiety. I have all that I want and yet my mind is my own worst enemy!

Part of Cam’s birthday present from Mike and I was meeting Thomas the Tank engine and friends – at our local railway museum! There was a fun bumpy mini train (on wheels) ride, songs and stories from the Fat Controller, he got to go inside Thomas (and Donald – a new fave) and see various other trains from the books/show. We have been again since and plan to a couple more times before the Thomas set up finishes at the end of the month.

The museum itself is full of awesome, interactive, educational fun with train simulations, science experiments, various themes throughout the year, a playground, a huge model train set up (big with my hubby who is working on his own model train set!), a cinema and tonnes of big trains and information. We got an annual pass – Mike is really looking forward to their annual model train expo later in the year!

We were lucky enough to have a photoshoot with a friend who is getting into photography and is really talented. It was such a lovely shoot and the images are amazing! I’ll do a separate post with a slideshow of some of the images! My belly bump sure is growing!

We sent off our cultural exchange packages just after Christmas and we received our first package the other day! And from non-other than Rachael herself from Little Red Farm (who set up the cultural exchange and has a post about the contents of her parcels here)

I honestly wasn’t too sure about Cameron’s interest level on the packages at this age but I was pleasantly surprised! I should have known, Cam loves flags, money and little novelty items. He immediately loved the flag and we talked to him about it coming from somewhere far away from a little boy who is two like him (he’s very facinated about being ‘two’).

His favourite things were the soccer items and the chocolate money. Now he sees the real coins and asks for chocolate I loved the idea of making the postbox and we will soon. All of the information was so detailed and great to read! I’m so glad we participated in the exchange and hope that the recipients of our package enjoy their parcels!

Racheous

Perinatal mood disorders

The statistics really suck. The risk of recurrence of antenatal and/or postnatal anxiety and depression is really high.

Hardly reassurring.

I had my first anxiety attack (since the early days with Cam) the other night. I had almost forgotten that unshakeable fear.

Everyone says “it’ll be different this time” and attempt to dismiss any fears that I have. Which pisses me off, quite frankly.

It may be different… but how different really? Having a newborn with a toddler will be freaking hard to begin with. All the fears (irrational or otherwise) that I had with Cameron have just as much of an effect on me now as they did then.

If people do speak of the possibility of me dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and what not again… they always say “but you will know where to look for help”

I am well aware of that. So what?

When I’m mid-anxiety-attack, where I feel like I’m dying – literally, where it feels like there is poison pumping through my veins and I want to crawl out of my skin… where I think of doing the unimaginable just to escape it and nothing that I do or tell myself can change that urgent, terrifying feeling that takes over me… then what?

I should not have listened to my GP (who told me to wean abruptly off my Zoloft) & dismissed my history. I really need to go & get specialist help. Sigh.