Lucy Violet is here!

Lucy Violet entered the world at 6:25am on the 25th of March after a 17 hour labour. She weighed a petite 6 pound 8, was 51 cm long and had a head circ of 34cm. I pushed her out in one push!

We are all in awe and in love with her! She is just beautiful and such a dream baby. Aside from a post-dural-puncture ‘headache’ (so not a headache, as those in the know would know!) & the consequent visit to theatre for an epidural blood patch, we have been doing beautifully. I am so blessed and this is such a different experience to last time!

{this moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Inspired by Soule Mama. Have a beauty-full weekend.

Currently…

Currently… adoring the bond between my child and fur-child.

Currently… appreciating our outdoor time in this autumn weather.

Currently… reading.

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I’m also currently excited that Cameron is starting at a Montessori Playgroup next term. Although it is sad that we will no longer be going to baby rhyme time at the library (he’s outgrown it) or kindergym (cannot afford the playgroup and kindergym).

I find I’m naturally drawn to alternative parenting and education styles. I’m always open to different ideas and happily research things that interest me. The Montessori method is one of the styles that appeals to me. I don’t agree with all that Maria Montessori theorised but I love the environment and I think the hands-on learning suits Cameron.

Really, I’m pretty keen on anything that is child-focussed (attachment parenting, waldorf, etc), gentle, mindful and suits my thoughts that babies/toddlers/children are people too. However, I think that as with everything in life, parenting and/or teaching styles should be individualised and that there is no one-size-fits-all. I’m already finding my roots as an eclectic mama.

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Currently… appreciating the simple things and feeling blessed.

Survivor

The past week I have found myself stalked by the familiar fog of anxiety and depression. It was lingering around me. The niggling negativity. The numbness. The fear.

But it doesn’t realise how strong I am now.

Although I am medicated for Generalised Anxiety Disorder (including anxiety attacks and Post-partum Depression which followed), I no longer see a psychologist and I manage with lifestyle.. I see myself as a survivor and has someone who has recovered.

I know I will probably have more times like these that remind me of The Darker Times but I hope with my next babies I can enjoy the newborn stage and beyond.

A great easy to understand list of The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English) can be found HERE. I am so proud of how far I have come since a time where I pretty much experienced EVERYTHING on that list.

It is hard, I think, from an outsiders perspective, to comprehend mental illness in many circumstances. People can, without realising or saying anything, have a Glint of Judgment (click for great blog post that explains how it feels!). So many people have more hardships in life.

There are things about my experiences with peri-natal mood disorders that I haven’t shared… things I’m not sure how to express and things I have only remembered as time has gone on.

But, each time I see people finding my blog by searching things like “pnd and anxiety attacks”, ”will i lose my baby if i have anxiety” (and the fact that “postpartum insomnia” & “postpartum anxiety” are the #3 and #5 searched terms that lead people to my blog), I remember that it’s important to keep talking and to keep inspiring mamas and letting them know that this is treatable, temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Uh Oh” & Sign Language Update

Life is good and busy. The kind of good where you feel like you are gloating. The kind of good where you wake up rested and you go to sleep smiling.

Our days have been full on lately. Cameron has (seemingly instantly) turned into a high maintenance toddler (is there any other kind?) and it’s busy even when we are doing practically nothing.

Just recently we started having issues with Cameron’s breastfeeding etiquette – comes with the territory of a nursing toddler! During teething he has wanted to nurse quite frequently and it got to the stage where he would get really upset if he couldn’t nurse right then and there (not always easy!)

He would very unsubtlely pull at my top and make a noise signalling (PLEASE!). It was getting embarrassing and frustrating. So it was time to instill some BFing manners! I continued saying “no” and holding his hands but started to also offer him an alternative – signing “milk” in Australian sign language.

Michael was so surprised to see that practically overnight he went from demanding a feed to politely sitting back and signing “milk”. Now it is so easy and admittedly super cute.

I’ve realised that at this age (14 months) it’s a lot easier to introduce signs and it can help tantrums so much! We also sign “finished”, “up”, “stop” and “wait”… great for a tot!! I am hoping to teach him more and we have started signing animals.

I’m one for a good sing-along in the car (can’t sing… I’m terrible…) and my favourite song at the moment is Katy Perry’s ET. It was too stinkin’ cute to catch Cameron jamming to it in the rearview mirror the other morning with a big grin on his face. Cameron loves dancing lately. From rocking out banging his head to waving his arms about and bouncing up and down. He’s got moves!

My cutie-pie has an obsession with two nursery rhymes: The Incy Wincy Spider (including attempting to copy actions) and Humpty Dumpty (including some seriously sweet giggles of anticipation and throwing himself to the ground). If I ever need to calm him or make him focussed; I can simply ask “can you do Incy Wincy?” or “who is a Humpty?”

Mike has taken up playing soccer for the first time since high school so I’ve been flying it solo mama on Tuesday nights and it makes me think single mamas are Super Heros. Not that I didn’t already.

The other day we had a playdate at the Botanic Gardens (we have another one there on Monday and I’ll be packing my camera and some bread alongside our Ergo, some picnic food and a ball). It was very humid but the gardens were beautiful and the wildlife was just awesome and such fun for Cameron. We spotted ducklings and lizards (including a huge one and one in a tree) and we fed some ducks and birds and two turtles came over and up to try and catch some food! I think it was just as exciting for me as it was for Cam

We have been catching all the sunshine we can and enjoying simple fun with nature as much as possible. Cameron is so at home when he can explore freely and he adores flowers and leaves.

One phrase I hear a TONNE lately is “uh-oh” and it has turned into a game for Cammy. He’ll look at me then purposefully drop something and say “uh-ooooh” with mock shock and all. The sweetness of it hasn’t worn off for me… yet.

Be back soon with more photos and updates!!

Racheous <3

Thank you to everyone who has voted for us at Top Mommy Blogs (icon link on right). The system is confusing – you have to click from my page and it gets tracked back here even though it simply takes you to the home page of TMB. Racheous is climbing the ladder and I truly appreciate your support!

THAT Post

So… this post has sat in my drafts for quite a while. Partly because it’s hard to write, partly because it is hard to share and partly because it has taken me until only recently to be 100% OK with ‘the past’.

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Last year began with a newborn baby who changed my world. The first month or so of his life are a blur of elation and concentrated fear. It sounds dramatic… but that is what it was.

Sleep woman..

I was in such a dark place with postpartum anxiety attacks and depression that now my life is just so freaking perfect comparatively that I can almost not believe it!

It is only now that I look at a newborn and feel warm and fuzzy and… clucky. For a long while there, seeing a newborn made me flash back in my mind to the calls to ambulances, poison-filled-veins and thoughts of driving my car off the road. Even though I was no where near that mental-space anymore. It took me a long time to truly get past the shock of it all.

Starting from such a difficult place in motherhood meant that I obviously grew a lot and learnt even more. As much as I hate to remember the depths of the negative emotions I felt at first; I know that they play a huge part in how amazingly beautiful motherhood is now and has been for most of my journey as Cam’s Mummy.

I remember thinking that I could never be the Mum I want/ed to be and that there was some kind of ‘right’ way to raise my son (and that I wasn’t doing it!). I remember loathing myself. I mean truly hating who I was.

I remember the envy that I would feel when I saw seemingly ‘normal’ Mum’s who had newborns and were themselves. But I soon realised that it is OK and that there are other Mum’s out there (especially through places like Postpartum Progress and #PPDChat on Twitter) like me who truly ‘get it’.

I, only NOW, consider myself a postpartum depression survivor as my PPD relapses occurred in my recovery in the 8th month of Cammy’s life.

Recovery was HARD guys. With plenty of two-steps-forward-one-step-back moments where I’d wake up and not want to face the day… where I’d literally fight my thoughts which were saying “I am a shit Mum” or “I am making mistake/s” or, the worst “I don’t want to be here anymore” as well as the fear of returning to The Darkness.

I still have residual feelings of self-blame for the negativity that is scattered through all the joyful memories… and I still hold some hurt regarding those in my life who did not understand or made things harder. But that too is normal.

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I now have a life without anxiety attacks that is not blackened by PND. EVERY Mumma deserves this and will get there too.

Now, when I see the hospital that I gave birth in (and returned to twice with anxiety attacks and insomnia) I get this beautiful pang of want and remember all the appointments, the I-am-woman-hear-me-roar labour, the first feed and smelling his newborn smell.

I still remember all the difficult things but I know that I’ve worked through a lot of the emotions and I know now what to expect, where to turn to for help and that I can handle anything.

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I really believe that the general public need awareness of postpartum mood disorders (depression, anxiety, OCD, etc). Even as an intelligent young woman who had suffered from anxiety and depression in the past had stereotypical views.

There are too many stereotypes and stigmas attached to mental illnesses, treatments (i.e. ‘happy pills’) and all I wish for sufferers out there is for more support and empathy.

I read amazing, inspiring women who put it ALL out there – even when it is still happening and I am just in awe.

I really admire those women out there who help other PND sufferers because I could barely take care of myself mentally or physically back when I was struggling. All I could do was hate myself, feel guilty, shame myself, take care of my son and wish I felt differently! There was no way I was going to be of any help to anyone.

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So, if you are out there reading this (and I know you are because I see the amount of Mummy’s finding my blog by searching things such as “want to off myself” or “postnatal depression story” and I just want to hug you and say “I get it, you will get through this“) then email me or follow the links in this post to resources such as Postpartum Progress and feel the relief as you realise that you are normal and this is TEMPORARY and TREATABLE.

If you are Australian, like myself, the Post and Antenatal Depression Association (PANDA) helpline – 1300 726 306 – offers support and advice to Australians.  They have recently extended their hours and are open from 9am to 7pm (AEST).   Do not hesitate to reach out for help and call the line.  They are there to support you.

Christmas!

I started my pre-Christmas celebrations with a high level of enthusiasm. I brought Christmas cards, presents and decorations well before they were needed. I brought jars and ribbons and what not to decorate the jars to make Cookies for Santa in for friends and family. I carefully wrote out the messages in the Christmas cards and addressed them and stamped them. I neatly layered the cookie ingredients in the jars and wrapped the presents.

I even made sure I taste-tested the cookie recipe… Which is very serious business.

But, come Christmas Eve and there was STILL a neat pile of Christmas cards to be delivered and rows of Cookies for Santa that were not yet labelled, prettified or delivered. Oh, and Cameron dropped his present for his Aunty Sil Sil.. and broke it.

Consequently, my Christmas Eve (in which Mike was working) was spent driving around in the rain dropping of non-labelled or prettified jars of “Cookies for Santa” with Christmas cards and mailing those that don’t live close to us. I then sent a mass text of instructions for Operation Cookies for Santa and brought a new mug for Aunty Sil Sil as a replacement for said broken one. It was hectic.

Then my BFF Silvia (AKA Aunty Sil Sil) and her man Justin (AKA Uncle Justin) came around for nibbles and our present swap. I got the coolest present known to man and Mike got Mr T the 6 month old Red Devil:

Christmas Eve night Cam watched as we put out cookies and milk for Santa and we talked excitedly about Christmas before he went to bed. Mike and I then got to work putting out our pressies & making Cam’s big present (a trike) from us. All the presents (bar Mike’s surprise from me – a PS3!) were set and we went to bed far more excited than Cam!

Christmas Day started early and was met with awe on Cam’s face. We taped his reaction and he just LOVED all his presents. We got him a toy phone, puzzle, doll, matchbox car mat with cars, wooden tool kit, books, bead rollercoaster maze and the trike of course.

We packed the car with our presents for our family and headed off to my sisters. The kids were ecstatic to see eachother and continue present opening and fun! We got Jayka (3) a black and decker 50+ piece tool kit and a toy story table and chair set and Jolee (1.5) a doll set with cot/bath/highchair/potty/doll/etc and some Dora books. Their presents were met with “Oh my Gooooood”‘s (Jake) and excited squeaks and cuddles (Jo Jo).

Cameron was spoilt from his Aunty Vicki & Uncle Danny and got Elmo swimmers, an Elmo doctor set and an Elmo cutlery/crockery set (he adores Elmo) and his Grandma got him the sweetest wooden toy set from Etsy that I’ve been wanting for ages which has been a huge hit! We got my Mum a fountain that she loved and had a lovely time but had to head off so that Cam could sleep in the car on the way to Mike’s parents place.

We had lunch at the in-laws and were spoilt. It was great to see Cam come out of his shell and he was so psyched to see their dogs again! “Dog! Dog!” he’d point and crawl around while their little maltese x licked his feet. So funny to watch!

Dinner was a roast at home and I had a snooze while Cam slept. It was great to have our first Christmas dinner as a family! Cameron has been a different bub when it comes to food and is now down to 3 breastfeeds a day and has three big meals with snacks in between and the occassional sip of cows milk. He eats really well now and is always saying “taaaa” because he wants what we are eating.

All in all it was a lovely day despite the overcast and rainy weather and we just felt SO blessed to be spending quality time with family while enjoying good food and gift giving/recieving and all the fun that comes with little ones at this time of year. It was beautiful.

Cam did pretty well

He was very pooped afterwards.

I hope your Christmas was MAGICAL and full of laughter and great food. Thank you for reading my blog, commenting and voting. You make my little hobby even more brilliant and the people I have met whilst blogging and vlogging are amazing. Thank you, again.

& now it’s 11:20PM on the 29th of December and there’s only one day standing between now and when *that* perfect son of mine is ONE year old! Sappy post to come. I’m teary just at the thought!!

The Firsts

Last year looked like this:

I remember the overwhelming itch of eagerness. I remember the any-day-nows and the over-preparation. It feels like a lifetime ago and I still am awestruck by the beauty of pregnancy when I watch videos like Cam dancing in my belly a year ago.

Never could I have anticipated the raw happiness I would feel in 2010 and the challenge that is motherhood and all it encompasses. There have been so many ‘firsts’ in Cameron’s first year.

The expected like your first cuddle, kiss, bath, nappy change and feed. To the eagerly anticipated first roll, smile, laugh, tooth, solid meal, word (Dada in our case – I still remember the jaw-drop), crawl, stand, swim and holiday.

There were the not so great… Like the first anxiety attack, first signs of depression, first night in hospital, first bottle of formula, first needles, first pet dying, first sickness, first psychologist visit and first grandparents funeral.

But the firsts will keep coming and there will be many more amazing memories to share. Here comes Christmas, first steps, first hair cut, and of course the I-can’t-believe-it’s-only-a-couple-of-weeks-away first birthday – and that’s only the next month or so!

It has certainly been the most difficult year of my life. I’ve felt such a full spectrum of emotions. Each so intense and important. From the soaring highs to some incredible lows.

Nothing could have prepared me for hearing the sheer amazement and anticipation in my husbands voice as I gave birth “Rachel, Rachel, he’s coming. Oh my God”

Or that moment when Cameron first looked into my eyes. That first real grin.
The heart-sore that only a Mum can truly feel right down to her core when her little bub cries in pain. Or the pride I felt when I would see him achieve something magnificent.

I honestly wasn’t prepared for the FEAR or the phenomenal contentment that would flow through me when he would cuddle into me and fall asleep. Or that oh-my-goodness-I’m-a-Mummy moment where it truly sunk in.

I cannot believe this is my life.

First Birthday Plans

Well it is December and Cam’s party plans are well on the way. I love reading about other peoples party plans and seeing idea boards and what not so I thought I’d give my readers a taste of Cameron’s 1st birthday bash!

The Front

The Inside

I made the invitations and am so glad they are completed as I’ve been designing and re-designing them for too long to admit. The inside invite card is removeable and has a magnet on the back as well as some extra info behind it.

Did I mention that I adore party planning? My blog roll consists of a lot of party inspiration blogs/shops and I’m one who loves details <3 I love themes for parties!

Cameron’s birthday is Woodlands themed (think trees, leaves, acorns, toadstools, nests, owls, squirrels, deer, and hedgehogs) and I’m really lucky to have a cake-making-and-decorating friend of the family and my BFF works at a balloon/party store. So well… that helps!

The main colours will be green, brown and red polka (toadstool). I’m thinking the food will be:

{Sweets}
Woodlands cookies (bird/toadstool/owl/acorn)
Chocolate birds ‘nests’
& obviously candy and the cake

{Savouries}
Rustic pies
“Snail” rolls
Egg + tomato “toadstools”
As well as chips, pretzel sticks and nuts

We are having his party at a park which has a tot pool and sand playground as well as great shading and parking so all we have to hope is that it doesn’t rain!

Stay tuned for a Christmas post!

How did/are/would you celebrate your little ones first birthday????

It’s Cammy’s birthday wish for loads of votes (click banner below)

My Tot

Lately my baby has been doing less-than-baby-like things. I’m feeling increasingly like the Mum of a toddler and I’m not sure what to think of it.

Cam has started scaling furniture all the time and stand without support occassionally. He just keeps blowing me away with new words and comprehension of words.

Today we were at the park and he started pointing and saying “doh doh” and I looked to see he was showing me a dog. He’s recognised dogs recently but never vocalised.

He really makes me so proud of him. How does he get that dogs are dogs? With all their variation in breeds, sizes and colours? Things like that amaze me.

His favourite game at the moment (aside from peekaboo – sure fire winner!) is “where is the/your ___?” dog/bird/duck/cat/fish/dog/block/book/ball/elmo and you see him start searching, locate the item and bring it to me. (notice the strong animal theme? he adores animals)

He’s started sharing – including feeding us and giving dolls a drink (he has a doll named Doug that he particularly favours as well as Elmo or “Mo” as he calls him)

He claps now (last thing on the list of basics like waving, pointing, etc) but it’s sloppy and hilarious. It’s like he’s saying “whatever, see Mum, I can do it – can we move on now?”

He went through a stage just last week where he kept saying “Rachel” (quite clearly too!) after hearing his cousin say it so much and obviously realising my reaction to it but thank goodness I haven’t heard him say it in the past couple of days (I’m “Mum” thank you very much!)

It was so cute at kindergym today – he used the rings that they get them to put on the witches-hats and put them around his neck like necklaces.

Isn’t he perfect?

He really isn’t responding to signing so much recently. He’s much more interested in exploring and attempting to talk by the sounds of things.

It is so hilarious how Cameron dances – he looks so silly thrusting his hips and bending his knees with such an accomplished and excited facial expression with enthusiastic noises. He makes me laugh!

We have been borrowing library books and I’m loving having new exciting books to read with Cam. He’s still most interested in turning the pages himself and pointing at the pictures. It’s very sweet.

I am in disbelief that Cammy is almost 11 months old! I’m desperately attempting to get things rolling for his first Christmas and 1st birthday party!  There is just an enormous amount to do! More updates to come on that!

It’s no wonder I’m getting cluckier really – my baby is quickly becoming a toddler! My little tot is wow-ing me daily with his new skills and I’m just in love and loving every nano-second. Being a Mumma to this gorgeous boy is the best job in the universe <3