Mental Health

For the first time in my life I have the proper treatment for my mental health. It is utterly amazing what medication, and the right help from professionals can do. I have been medicated in the past and/or seen a psychologist and done tests, etc., but never have I felt [consistently] like this.

[side note: one of my pet peeves is when people ask me what happened to make me depressed or anxious... or tell me to be thankful for what I have... I know that sometimes, depression and/or anxiety are triggered by external events but in my case, it was/is primarily a chemical imbalance coupled with my reaction to situations, because of my nature. I know it is just ignorance but I wish that mental illness wasn't so taboo so the general public could be more educated. SO MANY people deal with a mental illness of some kind in their lifetime. It would be so awesome if they didn't feel wrong or alone while suffering]

Part of me can’t help but feel ripped off for the past however long of my life where I’ve struggled and struggled with depression and anxiety. It’s like a veil has been lifted from my face and I’m shocked into the realisation that this is how most other people feel all the time. Sure, I’ve had periods of my life without depressive episodes or major anxiety… but in the past month (since my psychiatric evaluation, mental health plan and consequent med dose increase) it as though I’m finally seeing in colour. Everything is clearer.

But you know what? Aside from happiness, contentment and feeling so damn greatful… the strongest emotion I’m feeling is PRIDE. Because now I can see that I coped so freaking well with that heavy veil of negativity clouding my thoughts. I am phenomenally strong. Depression, especially, is like walking through life in heavy layers of cold, soaking wet clothing with rain belting down on you – but everyone else sees a dry, warm version of you.

Depression robs you of basic motivation. Not in a ‘oh, I can’t be bothered right now’ kind of way… but in a deep-set, heavy, burdensome way that hits you out of no where. Often I would wake up with no will to do anything, I felt utterly hopeless – but I DID. Even though nothing seemed worth it. I kept going. I was a fucking brilliant mama considering the inner struggle I fought most days.

Anxiety weakens you. So alongside all of the above, I found myself doubting every action that I did make. At it’s worst I felt immobilised by fear. Anxiety attacks sure can be traumatic. Despite being mental illnesses, I went so much physically. The scariest part of anxiety attacks and suicidal ideation for me was that I partially dissociated anytime that things got too heavy.

My mind was so cruel to me. I was my own worst enemy. Every doubt and fear was fleshed out in my mind and I turned it in on myself. There was so much self-loathing.. so much pressure and expectations from myself. I think to those who had no idea, I came across as negative and self-centered. However, these thoughts are uncontrollable. Without help, it’s simply a downward spiral.

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday when I was talking about the future with Mike. I said to him “It’s so strange, since Lucy’s birth I have this overwhelming desire to make our dreams a reality.” I have always been determined, even when depressed, so it didn’t even occur to me that my drive was altered. But here I am with what feels like an injection of ambition and strength. & again, that makes me proud, to think that despite all the chemicals in my brain robbing me of my motivation and ability to positively look forward to the future; I sure fought through it.

It is funny adjusting to not dealing with the symptoms of severe depression or generalised anxiety disorder. Who knows what the future holds, but hopefully this will be my new normal. Depression and anxiety are so familiar to me. Particularly in the past 4 years. I’m still working through some of my internal dialogue and those automatic thoughts that have been my ‘go to’ when things get hard in my life. I feel like I have got to get to fully know this ‘new’ Rachel.

I don’t like what it took for me to truly actively seek help and help myself (I may talk about it in the future). But I’m so proud that I did. I’m so proud and thankful for the people in my life who have helped me through this (especially my husband and sister). Nothing I could do could repay them.

Anyway, I’m writing this quickly to share where I am at… and hopefully to inspire others to actively seek help if they are in that dark place. Things CAN be better. Believe me, I never thought so until proven otherwise. I always said that ‘it’ (depression and/or anxiety) was “just how I am”. & you are so much stronger than you think.

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OH, & I’m 24 today! Happy birthday to me Waking up to little Lucy and Cammy cuddles was the best birthday pressie ever!

Lucy Violet is here!

Lucy Violet entered the world at 6:25am on the 25th of March after a 17 hour labour. She weighed a petite 6 pound 8, was 51 cm long and had a head circ of 34cm. I pushed her out in one push!

We are all in awe and in love with her! She is just beautiful and such a dream baby. Aside from a post-dural-puncture ‘headache’ (so not a headache, as those in the know would know!) & the consequent visit to theatre for an epidural blood patch, we have been doing beautifully. I am so blessed and this is such a different experience to last time!

Why I won’t be blogging until further notice

Trigger warning: talk of depression, anxiety disorders & suicidal ideation/suicide.

I’m usually one for reaching out and talking about the difficult topics.

But in the past 6 or so months, I have been struggling (in varying degrees) with so much mentally.

But talking about this is so much harder now… Previously I had never been in that place.. Where I couldn’t bring myself to care and I was terrified of myself & my thoughts.

Now, I am too vulnerable. Anything but support is potentially damaging.. And putting yourself out there on the Internet pretty much guarantees a variety of views/beliefs.

I know the stigma too well. Even in my real life I’m surrounded by people who don’t take mental illness seriously, let alone my mental health. I know that so many people do not understand or accept mental illness and/or generalise and have a warped view of it.. not to mention the hurtful comments about medication and therapy.

I’m glad though, because this means they haven’t felt like I have.

However, it hurts. It pains me to hear people talk about depression and/or anxiety like it isn’t a serious issue.. Or like it can be overcome with optimism.

I know how blessed I am, I don’t take anything for granted, I know that I have so much to look forward to. I know that there are great qualities about me. It’s just not that simple.

At the same time, I get it.. Because I distinctly remember not-too-long-ago thinking that I could use my intelligence and sheer will to change the way I felt… to stop the seemingly never-ending stream of self-hate or put an end to an anxiety attack. I’m only now coming to terms with my mental illness and what it means.

It is true that that there are tools to help cope with how you react to situations.. but there are so many other factors in play. Mental illness is (often) chemical and it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not a result of not being able to talk yourself out of slipping into thought patterns. Believe me, I’m determined, clever and strong.. if that were possible, I would have done so by now.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I won’t be blogging because I’m struggling to share my thoughts.. not just with strangers on the web but with people in my life.. especially those who don’t really know me.

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P.S. Also, I best let you know that I’ve increased the help and support that I can and am working hard with my psych as well as my healthcare team to do the best that I can to get through this, particularly when my hormones are so high. I will be ok, I know that.

2012!

It seems I took a bit of a break from blogging over the festive season! I can’t believe we are 11 days into 2012 already!

Christmas & Cameron’s 2nd birthday both were amazing and we were left with full bellies and a serious toy overload. I have been trying to re-organise his playroom but it looks as though we will have to take up some space in our spare room for his massive Thomas the Tank Engine collection!

I can’t believe my son is 2! Well, I can, if I look at him and how much of a little boy he is and how far he has come since he was born.

I’m 28.5 weeks pregnant with our daughter and all is going well. I have my first psychologist appointment tomorrow, alongside another doctor appointment. My medication has been increased slightly after several depressive episodes. It feels strange to be battling depression more than anxiety. I have all that I want and yet my mind is my own worst enemy!

Part of Cam’s birthday present from Mike and I was meeting Thomas the Tank engine and friends – at our local railway museum! There was a fun bumpy mini train (on wheels) ride, songs and stories from the Fat Controller, he got to go inside Thomas (and Donald – a new fave) and see various other trains from the books/show. We have been again since and plan to a couple more times before the Thomas set up finishes at the end of the month.

The museum itself is full of awesome, interactive, educational fun with train simulations, science experiments, various themes throughout the year, a playground, a huge model train set up (big with my hubby who is working on his own model train set!), a cinema and tonnes of big trains and information. We got an annual pass – Mike is really looking forward to their annual model train expo later in the year!

We were lucky enough to have a photoshoot with a friend who is getting into photography and is really talented. It was such a lovely shoot and the images are amazing! I’ll do a separate post with a slideshow of some of the images! My belly bump sure is growing! 

We sent off our cultural exchange packages just after Christmas and we received our first package the other day! And from non-other than Rachael herself from Little Red Farm (who set up the cultural exchange and has a post about the contents of her parcels here)

I honestly wasn’t too sure about Cameron’s interest level on the packages at this age but I was pleasantly surprised! I should have known, Cam loves flags, money and little novelty items. He immediately loved the flag and we talked to him about it coming from somewhere far away from a little boy who is two like him (he’s very facinated about being ‘two’).

His favourite things were the soccer items and the chocolate money. Now he sees the real coins and asks for chocolate I loved the idea of making the postbox and we will soon. All of the information was so detailed and great to read! I’m so glad we participated in the exchange and hope that the recipients of our package enjoy their parcels!

 

Racheous

Check this out

Click HERE for a hilarious (& highly relatable) post about depression from one of my favourite bloggers!

My fave quote? - ”But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work.”

I’m Still Here

Sorry for the delay in updates! We all got sick & the nausea and exhaustion was getting the better of me.

But now I’m doing heaps better. I’m booked into my hospital and have a scan booked for a weeks time. My doctor has been seeing me regularly since my anxiety attacks and I’m now medicated again on a low dose SSRI and feeling like myself.

The stigma associated with antenatal and postpartum mood disorders is hard sometimes. Particularly if medication is concerned.

I struggled at first with the idea as I’m someone who takes every risk very seriously concerning my children.. But I have to remember the risks associated with untreated anxiety and depression. & I have learnt to give myself a break – if it were another illness that I had to be treated for, I doubt I would hesitate. I talk about it because I know that it is more prevalent than we realise.

I also have struggled recently with the fact that all these factors have meant that I haven’t been mothering like usual. Poor sleep from anxiety in the evenings and at night meant that mornings were hard and I’m not overly proud to admit that a Thomas the Tank Engine DVD got a work out at any time prior to 7 AM.

Our days weren’t filled with well-planned activities or outings. Instead they were spent mostly in pjs and we often went to my sisters house where Cam could be entertained by his cousins while I lounged. My ‘sanity-kit’ has included his dough kit (minimal Mum-input activity), books, his train set (which he will play with for decent periods of time without me), crayons, his magnadoodle, and his little nursery rhyme CD player. Oh, & a willing hubby who takes over when he gets home.

1.5 weeks ago. C said “my baby”

This pregnancy my nausea has been the kind where it helps to eat (hello weight gain) but I still feel ill even after food. & it is constant, even upon waking at night. But I keep all the food down, which is fortunate. I’m exhausted almost always even if I sleep for 10 hours.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I tell it like it is. I must admit that I haven’t been like I was with my previous pregnancy. I loved every part of my previous pregnancies, especially Cameron’s (aside from the fear of course). This time I’ve been more reserved, although I still feel very blessed. I can’t wait for Mike to see Bud next Monday (although I’m also very nervous as the dates are all so similar to 3 years ago).

Cameron has been doing great despite all. He talks about the baby often and he speaks in little sentences a lot now. At 20.5 months, he is currently loving - the letter ‘m’ (spotting it everywhere), planes (still), circles, getting powder in his nappy, eating cheese, helping wash up dishes, and telling me if something is ‘mean’ or ‘nice’.

He makes me so darn proud and I have been so lucky with how sweet and helpful he has been while I have struggled. For example, he patiently and happily waited for over an hour at the doctors the other week. & the other day he asked Mike “is she sad?” when I was resting and came over to give me a kiss.

 

Perinatal mood disorders

The statistics really suck. The risk of recurrence of antenatal and/or postnatal anxiety and depression is really high.

Hardly reassurring.

I had my first anxiety attack (since the early days with Cam) the other night. I had almost forgotten that unshakeable fear.

Everyone says “it’ll be different this time” and attempt to dismiss any fears that I have. Which pisses me off, quite frankly.

It may be different… but how different really? Having a newborn with a toddler will be freaking hard to begin with. All the fears (irrational or otherwise) that I had with Cameron have just as much of an effect on me now as they did then.

If people do speak of the possibility of me dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and what not again… they always say “but you will know where to look for help”

I am well aware of that. So what?

When I’m mid-anxiety-attack, where I feel like I’m dying – literally, where it feels like there is poison pumping through my veins and I want to crawl out of my skin… where I think of doing the unimaginable just to escape it and nothing that I do or tell myself can change that urgent, terrifying feeling that takes over me… then what?

I should not have listened to my GP (who told me to wean abruptly off my Zoloft) & dismissed my history. I really need to go & get specialist help. Sigh.

Beyond Struggling

I wasn’t going to share this but I figured I share everything else so why not.

My doctor has told me to abruptly wean off my medication for my anxiety disorder. I won’t go into the why, but I have been taking 50 mg of Zoloft (sertraline) for 18 months and have weaned of SNRIs and SSRIs in the past… it’s never good.

I’m one of the unlucky people who gets several of the symptoms of SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome.

Browsing the internet, I found this list of the possible side-effects that you can get from withdrawal. I have put the symptoms that I am getting in bold.

Neurologic symptoms include:

• Dizziness
• Vertigo
• Lightheadedness
• Difficulty walking

Somatic (bodily) complaints include:

• Nausea/vomiting
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Insomnia

Less common difficulties:

• Shock-like sensations
• Parasthesia (skin crawling, burning or prickling)
• Visual disturbances (blurred)
• Diarrhea
• Muscle pain
• Chills

Non-specific mental symptoms:

• Shock-like sensations
• Agitation
• Impaired concentration
• Vivid dreams
• Depersonalization – sense of unreality and loss of self
• Irritability
• Suicidal thoughts

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Lucky me, right?

I won’t lie, I’m struggling. I can’t drive because of the shocks, vertigo, fatigue and lack of concentration. I can’t be the kind of mum I usually am.

I just can’t wait for it to be over.

Luckily, I am not anxious or panicky so I really feel like this is a good thing in the long run. & I know it won’t last too long, but at this point it feels like every minute longer is too much, you know?

I took my last tablet a week ago and I could be in for another week or more of this. It is phenomenal what one pill can do to your body. Sometimes I feel like an illicit-drug addict, jittery and on-edge.

I know it will be worth it in the end. But I want to break down and give up sometimes. I know I’m doing what I have to, and that I am just being a good Mum, but sometimes I wish that things just were simple.

Don’t we all, I guess.

Weaning

Only a few months ago I couldn’t even contemplate not breastfeeding. And now… we are gently helping Cameron wean. I’m starting to refuse, distract and offer alternatives.

It’s still hard sometimes, for me, to lose that part of our relationship. But it’s what I believe I have to do if I want our family to grow. I’m still yet to have my first post-partum period and Cameron is almost 16 months old! I want my cycles back, I want to be fertile and my God I want a sibling for him!

The ache is back and it’s different and beautiful. I so desperately want to be pregnant again and to see our family expand. I want a baby brother or sister for Cameron (he now points to babies when we are out and about and says “bubby!” and is so gentle and sweet with new bubs!!!)

Cameron is now excited when he sees cows milk and asks for his sippy. He still asks for boobah several times a day but he’s content if I say “you want boobah? OK, later” or “would you like milk from the fridge in a sippy instead?” or “do you want a snack?” or even “not now”.

It’s easier than I thought it would be. & now Cameron will (sometimes) go to sleep without me (Mike putting him to sleep) and without boobah. Which is a big deal to us.

It’s such a relief and even though I loved our bedtime story, cuddles and boobah this newness is pretty lovely too. Cameron will say ”nigh nigh” to me and gives me several kisses before blowing kisses and going with his Daddy.

I’ve always been somewhat of an attachment parent – without setting out to be if that makes sense. We just went along with what felt right for us and before I knew it we were co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding. & while I adore it all, I also want Cameron to learn to feel secure enough to do things without me and to learn different methods of comfort.

It’s hard being the only thing that he associates with comfort, sleep & security. Of course, I’ll always be there for comfort him and make him feel secure and confident… but this is a great step forwards.

One day this week he only had one feed. However, he’s gone back to more frequent nursing yesterday and today. We are hoping to get him down to two feeds a day max and helping him to sleep without nursing. It’ll be a process.

I go back and forth on how I feel about it. I’ve been surprised at how it has made me upset. I go from feeling relieved at the progress to protective of our nursing relationship. It is mostly difficult because I wouldn’t be encouraging weaning if it weren’t for the fertility factor. I would happily nurse until he was 2 years old. 

However, here is to more progress! Wish us luck!

Racheous <3

Layers

Motherhood has not felt intuitive to me.

My intuition is hidden under [twenty-odd years of] layers of opinions, expectations and ideals.

My own. My families. My friends. My aquaintences. The online community I have participated in. The media. My healthcare professionals. My colleagues. The list goes on.

I have found myself on a journey that included a fair deal of self doubt, insecurities and guilt. It sounds negative and somewhat dramatic but it has been my experience.

I have had to peel back layers of misinformation and conflicting advice to find the parenting that really resonates with me… what I’m comfortable with. For my situation. & only then have I been able to build confidence from this.

Right now, I’ve only just started to be the mum I really want to be. & it has meant some really lovely and beneficial changes. I have released expectations that I hadn’t even realised were there. & I have finally started to be honest with myself about some of my personal issues and realised that so much is in my control and that what isn’t in my control can still be positive.

I’ll never be a relaxed parent. Just to state the obvious. I’ll most likely always question whether I’m making the right decisions or look further into things. But I’m starting to realise that there are positives within this thinking too.

It’s not all been about parenting, this journey of discovery, adaptation and confidence; it has been about myself as a woman too. I’ve started to really embrace the things that I feel strongly about and more importantly be secure in it.

That is not to say that I have all the answers. Or that I don’t still experience guilt/anxiety/insecurity. But now I have opened a doorway to a place where I can deal with these things differently and react in more beneficial ways (most of the time).

So now I’m building different layers…