Random Cuteness

Today has been one of those days. It has been raining, Cameron is teething (still, he is so unlucky with teeth!), and I’m out of money for going anywhere or doing anything.

But I have been forcing myself to see the sweet, cute, clever and funny things that Cameron has been doing to get myself out of this funk. I love…

- seeing his pride as he does something new (in this case, swinging on the big boy swing)
- hearing how he pronounces some things… like “spep” (step) and “dancee” (dancing)
- watching him put away all his train tracks and trains piece-by-piece without me asking
- looking down to see this:

- hearing him say “oh no” with concern when he hears the sirens of an ambulance or fire engine
- Cam’s enthusiasm for feeding my fish every morning
- watching his brain gears turning as I ask him to point to different shapes (he now knows star, crescent (moon), circle, triangle and square… and sometimes rectangle and diamond.
- listening and watching intently as Cameron reads a book back to me after I have finished it, pointing out the things that I did and nodding.
- hearing him complain about the stickers being “stitee” (sticky) when I set up this quick, cheap colour sorting activity (simply drawing circles with crayon in corresponding colours to the stickers & pointing out how they matched – he did the rest)

Tomorrow we have Montessori playgroup in the morning and Saturday is my Dad’s wedding so hopefully my next post will be full of lovely photos and things to share

I’m Still Here

Sorry for the delay in updates! We all got sick & the nausea and exhaustion was getting the better of me.

But now I’m doing heaps better. I’m booked into my hospital and have a scan booked for a weeks time. My doctor has been seeing me regularly since my anxiety attacks and I’m now medicated again on a low dose SSRI and feeling like myself.

The stigma associated with antenatal and postpartum mood disorders is hard sometimes. Particularly if medication is concerned.

I struggled at first with the idea as I’m someone who takes every risk very seriously concerning my children.. But I have to remember the risks associated with untreated anxiety and depression. & I have learnt to give myself a break – if it were another illness that I had to be treated for, I doubt I would hesitate. I talk about it because I know that it is more prevalent than we realise.

I also have struggled recently with the fact that all these factors have meant that I haven’t been mothering like usual. Poor sleep from anxiety in the evenings and at night meant that mornings were hard and I’m not overly proud to admit that a Thomas the Tank Engine DVD got a work out at any time prior to 7 AM.

Our days weren’t filled with well-planned activities or outings. Instead they were spent mostly in pjs and we often went to my sisters house where Cam could be entertained by his cousins while I lounged. My ‘sanity-kit’ has included his dough kit (minimal Mum-input activity), books, his train set (which he will play with for decent periods of time without me), crayons, his magnadoodle, and his little nursery rhyme CD player. Oh, & a willing hubby who takes over when he gets home.

1.5 weeks ago. C said “my baby”

This pregnancy my nausea has been the kind where it helps to eat (hello weight gain) but I still feel ill even after food. & it is constant, even upon waking at night. But I keep all the food down, which is fortunate. I’m exhausted almost always even if I sleep for 10 hours.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I tell it like it is. I must admit that I haven’t been like I was with my previous pregnancy. I loved every part of my previous pregnancies, especially Cameron’s (aside from the fear of course). This time I’ve been more reserved, although I still feel very blessed. I can’t wait for Mike to see Bud next Monday (although I’m also very nervous as the dates are all so similar to 3 years ago).

Cameron has been doing great despite all. He talks about the baby often and he speaks in little sentences a lot now. At 20.5 months, he is currently loving - the letter ‘m’ (spotting it everywhere), planes (still), circles, getting powder in his nappy, eating cheese, helping wash up dishes, and telling me if something is ‘mean’ or ‘nice’.

He makes me so darn proud and I have been so lucky with how sweet and helpful he has been while I have struggled. For example, he patiently and happily waited for over an hour at the doctors the other week. & the other day he asked Mike “is she sad?” when I was resting and came over to give me a kiss.

 

Perinatal mood disorders

The statistics really suck. The risk of recurrence of antenatal and/or postnatal anxiety and depression is really high.

Hardly reassurring.

I had my first anxiety attack (since the early days with Cam) the other night. I had almost forgotten that unshakeable fear.

Everyone says “it’ll be different this time” and attempt to dismiss any fears that I have. Which pisses me off, quite frankly.

It may be different… but how different really? Having a newborn with a toddler will be freaking hard to begin with. All the fears (irrational or otherwise) that I had with Cameron have just as much of an effect on me now as they did then.

If people do speak of the possibility of me dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and what not again… they always say “but you will know where to look for help”

I am well aware of that. So what?

When I’m mid-anxiety-attack, where I feel like I’m dying – literally, where it feels like there is poison pumping through my veins and I want to crawl out of my skin… where I think of doing the unimaginable just to escape it and nothing that I do or tell myself can change that urgent, terrifying feeling that takes over me… then what?

I should not have listened to my GP (who told me to wean abruptly off my Zoloft) & dismissed my history. I really need to go & get specialist help. Sigh.

Changes

Things are pretty different around here at the moment. This pregnancy has hit me hard. I’m exhausted almost from the moment I wake up and certainly nauseous from the second I wake.

I don’t have severe ‘morning sickness’ but I have nausea all day. Despite sleeping for a minimum of 8 hours (up to 11!) I am drained all the time. I think that is why my breastmilk dried up so quickly and painlessly – my body just couldn’t cope with both!

Pretty hat Cam

Cameron is doing SO well without breastfeeding. I really expected this to be harder than it was. It has been over a week since his last feed and he no longer asks for ‘boobah’.

Mike has also taken to putting Cam down to sleep so that he can get used to both of us. Last night it took only as long as it does for me. I bought Cammy a Thomas the Tank Engine pillow case & toddler pillow which he adores. It helps heaps with the transition of bedtime. His bedtime routine hasn’t changed any, which helps as well.

But things are different at the moment. I am not mothering how I usually do, I’m just too fatigued and blergh to keep up with my usual self. Cameron has adjusted to that too, sadly. In a way, though, I think it is good for him to learn to adjust to Mummy needing time and I have been encouraging him to independently play a lot more than usual.

It is hard not to feel guilty. So much has changed in Cammy’s little life. But he’s doing great. I wish I could bake more with him (smells, blergh!), chase him around and really full-on play like we used to, setting up of elaborate ‘educational’ activities, and what not.

My hilariously-large belly baby/bloat

On the very worst of days there is still good food, the usual routines, some reading, a dash of stimulating playful learning and free outdoors time when possible. I just need to adjust as well to all these changes as he has…

On Pregnancy

“I’m going to be a BIG BROTHER!”

On revealing ‘early’

Someone had the guts to tell me that revealing a pregnancy before 12 weeks is a ‘bad idea’ *rolls eyes* It isn’t a magical mark.. believe me, I’d know. I’d rather celebrate each of our little souls from the very beginning.

I understand those who feel differently but don’t understand why people (especially those who haven’t been there!) feel the need to tell me to feel otherwise!?

Oh and I’ll be having a baby shower too.. every child deserves a celebration!

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On symptoms

I’m feeling really great aside from nausea (yay for high potency ginger capsules) and tiredness (read: exhaustion). I am super emotional and cry at the drop of a hat.

I am one of those women who sports the pregnancy ‘glow’ and very early on. My sisters sister-in-law guessed that I was pregnant as soon as she saw me last week!

Oh, my other symptom, which is hilarious, is that I’m super bloated. I wore some maternity clothes today. Oh dear.

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On how we found out

We found out through my Dr as I didn’t think I was fertile & wanted to talk about TTC (we fell on my 1st postpartum cycle! we are so very blessed!) & it turned out that I was almost 6 weeks pregnant at the time.

So Mike found out by me calling him, in shock after seeing a line darker than a control line for the first time! It is a very different experience for us, not having been in TTC-mode, but Mike is over the moon.

 

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On gender

I know you are meant to say that you don’t care which gender and that you would be happy with a healthy baby and leave it at that. But truly, we have preferences. The preference just happens to change day-to-day… sometimes hourly (LOL).

I nicknamed this little one ‘Bud’ and so eventually they will be Rosebud or Buddy. Mike is pretty open that he would love a little girl this time around.

I’m going to be very honest now.

Initially, when we were thinking about TTC, I was so against the idea of having a girl.

I really feel like a great mother to boys, it’s just in my nature. My strengths really compliment raising boys and I just adore the mother-son relationship.

(I also have never been a girly-girl. All the pinks make my eyes sick )

However, since we are considering this being my final pregnancy (more on that another time – big shift from our original plans of 3-4 littlies), Mike has made it pretty clear that he would find it hard if we didn’t have a daughter. Which makes me more open to it.

I know that sounds silly but I am just being real here, I would happily be one of those Mums to a bunch of boys. But now, the idea of a Rosebud is sneaking into my mind more frequently and I think I’m sitting more in the middle now.

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On breastfeeding

My breastmilk is drying up.

Cameron hasn’t had a breastfeed since Sunday night. He hasn’t fed to sleep and he is doing soooo well. I’m extremely proud of him.

I sobbed. As in, ugly cry, wailing sobbed, when he easily curled up to me and slept without asking for boobah.

It has definitely been harder for me than him. He asked for “Mummy hand” and cuddled my arm and slept tonight… normal time… quicker than usual… no fuss. He is growing up.

Oh, how I will miss Cameron & my breastfeeding relationship.

I know that I’ve done well to feed him until this point (19.5 months). And I know that this is pretty great timing. My body needs this break (it’s practically forcing me!) and it’s good for Cameron to not associate this comfort stopping as a result of his little sibling.

It also gives us a great amount of time for him to adjust and start to sleep full-time in his own bed.

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Thank you for reading my ranting

Flat

There are days where I just can’t keep up with my own expectations regarding motherhood. Days (like today) where I wake up and feel flat.

I don’t want to read the “ah-pool booh” (alphabet book with an apple on the cover) again. Or I don’t feel like putting up with the giggling-and-running-around when I’m attempting to dress him.

Or I can’t be bothered making anything past a hastly thrown together sandwhich for lunch (organic peanut butter & jam on wholegrain bread if you were wondering… not that the ‘organic’ bit matters that much when he decided to smother the majority of it through his hair, on himself, over his high chair and throw the rest on the ground). 

It is days like these where the whole sense of rhythm and harmony is thrown aside. Very little in the way of productivity or creativity has occurred.

This is when I wish my husband didn’t play soccer, so that his Tuesday evenings were free to take over while I relax for no good reason other than I want to.

I don’t have several children, Cameron is just your average young toddler, I’m not pregnant, I had a full nights sleep (poor Cam on the other hand was crying for quite some of the evening last night with teething pain and didn’t fully get to sleep until 8:30PM – his usual bedtime is 7) and how flat I’m feeling is a far cry from the difficulties I’ve fought through in the past.

Yet, here I am, amusing my toddler with an ice-cream and some toys so that I can type up a blog about my shortfalls as a mother. Sigh.

I’m very blessed to be a stay at home mum and mostly I love it. It’s just that every once and a while I’d like to just do what I want.

I guess what I can take from days like today is that they are few and far between, and that they are part of life. Cameron has to know that I’m not perfect and that sometimes I won’t be as engaging or mindful.

Please tell me someone can relate! Hopefully tomorrow (or even the rest of this afternoon!?) I can shake that flat feeling.

Weaning

Only a few months ago I couldn’t even contemplate not breastfeeding. And now… we are gently helping Cameron wean. I’m starting to refuse, distract and offer alternatives.

It’s still hard sometimes, for me, to lose that part of our relationship. But it’s what I believe I have to do if I want our family to grow. I’m still yet to have my first post-partum period and Cameron is almost 16 months old! I want my cycles back, I want to be fertile and my God I want a sibling for him!

The ache is back and it’s different and beautiful. I so desperately want to be pregnant again and to see our family expand. I want a baby brother or sister for Cameron (he now points to babies when we are out and about and says “bubby!” and is so gentle and sweet with new bubs!!!)

Cameron is now excited when he sees cows milk and asks for his sippy. He still asks for boobah several times a day but he’s content if I say “you want boobah? OK, later” or “would you like milk from the fridge in a sippy instead?” or “do you want a snack?” or even “not now”.

It’s easier than I thought it would be. & now Cameron will (sometimes) go to sleep without me (Mike putting him to sleep) and without boobah. Which is a big deal to us.

It’s such a relief and even though I loved our bedtime story, cuddles and boobah this newness is pretty lovely too. Cameron will say ”nigh nigh” to me and gives me several kisses before blowing kisses and going with his Daddy.

I’ve always been somewhat of an attachment parent – without setting out to be if that makes sense. We just went along with what felt right for us and before I knew it we were co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding. & while I adore it all, I also want Cameron to learn to feel secure enough to do things without me and to learn different methods of comfort.

It’s hard being the only thing that he associates with comfort, sleep & security. Of course, I’ll always be there for comfort him and make him feel secure and confident… but this is a great step forwards.

One day this week he only had one feed. However, he’s gone back to more frequent nursing yesterday and today. We are hoping to get him down to two feeds a day max and helping him to sleep without nursing. It’ll be a process.

I go back and forth on how I feel about it. I’ve been surprised at how it has made me upset. I go from feeling relieved at the progress to protective of our nursing relationship. It is mostly difficult because I wouldn’t be encouraging weaning if it weren’t for the fertility factor. I would happily nurse until he was 2 years old. 

However, here is to more progress! Wish us luck!

Racheous <3

Layers

Motherhood has not felt intuitive to me.

My intuition is hidden under [twenty-odd years of] layers of opinions, expectations and ideals.

My own. My families. My friends. My aquaintences. The online community I have participated in. The media. My healthcare professionals. My colleagues. The list goes on.

I have found myself on a journey that included a fair deal of self doubt, insecurities and guilt. It sounds negative and somewhat dramatic but it has been my experience.

I have had to peel back layers of misinformation and conflicting advice to find the parenting that really resonates with me… what I’m comfortable with. For my situation. & only then have I been able to build confidence from this.

Right now, I’ve only just started to be the mum I really want to be. & it has meant some really lovely and beneficial changes. I have released expectations that I hadn’t even realised were there. & I have finally started to be honest with myself about some of my personal issues and realised that so much is in my control and that what isn’t in my control can still be positive.

I’ll never be a relaxed parent. Just to state the obvious. I’ll most likely always question whether I’m making the right decisions or look further into things. But I’m starting to realise that there are positives within this thinking too.

It’s not all been about parenting, this journey of discovery, adaptation and confidence; it has been about myself as a woman too. I’ve started to really embrace the things that I feel strongly about and more importantly be secure in it.

That is not to say that I have all the answers. Or that I don’t still experience guilt/anxiety/insecurity. But now I have opened a doorway to a place where I can deal with these things differently and react in more beneficial ways (most of the time).

So now I’m building different layers…

Lazy Mum?

This birthday was all about me. Time for me. Pampering me. Improving me. Family & friends have brought me pampering gifts, books & vouchers and Michael got me a gym membership.

I now have a medium-sized handbag instead of lugging around a nappy bag. Now that Cam is older all I need is 2 nappies, wipes, a spare outfit, sippy, snacks & sunscreen.

But I have done something I never thought I would do. Not technically a birthday present but still something for me. & oh I know I’ll get judgement and flaming but I’m happy.

I have got a cleaner.

Yes, I, a stay at home Mum with no other commitments, have hired a cleaner for my home once a fornight.

I never considered it as an option. Then I started to look around at many of my mummy friends and realised that we all have to do something to help ourselves.

Some get their hair or nails or waxing done frequently, some have parents who babysit regularly, some have little one’s in care for a few hours, and the list goes on…

I don’t think that as SAHMs we are necessary entitled to anything. & I certainly DO have the time to clean. But it’s a pain in the ass doing larger cleaning jobs (bathrooms, floors, etc) with a toddler who has short day naps and isn’t that keen on Mummy paying attention to much aside from him.

During Cameron’s waking hours I of course clean. You can’t not clean with a baby/toddler/child. There are clothes to wash, dishes, rubbish to put out, as well as general cleaning of benches/highchairs/spills/crafts/what not. But when faced with doing something with Cameron or mopping – guess what wins?

A friend of mine said “When Cammy and subsequent bubbies are older, you will look back and be grateful you spent all the time you could with them instead of bothering with cleaning – you will never look back and wish you’d done more vacuuming!” which I added to the little things that I’ll remember when I feel guilty about this decision!

I have very luckily found a local mum who is super affordable which of course helps.

Am I a lazy Mum? No, I don’t think so. A lazy cleaner? Yeah, most likely. But I’m okay with that. I’m a SAHM. A SAHM = A stay-at-home-mum, not a stay-at-home-maid.

If you are not impressed by my not-so-domesticity… BEHOLD. I baked spiced apple & sultana mini muffins today. & I used Two Little Spoons recipe for Cheeseymite Scrolls to whip up 20 of these:

Although, it’s probably not all that impressive if I add that I called my Mum excitedly to tell her I was baking… clearly a rarity!

Oh, and I used this tutorial to make a lovely window star which will look beautiful when it is sunny. I have since fixed up the blue point to lay behind the red. Woops.

I’ll hopefully update at the end of the week (after our first visit from the cleaner!) and update

Also, someone asked me what exactly I don’t agree with/like about the Montessori method so I’m going to do a blog post expanding on my ever-adapting parenting ideals.

Racheous xox

Survivor

The past week I have found myself stalked by the familiar fog of anxiety and depression. It was lingering around me. The niggling negativity. The numbness. The fear.

But it doesn’t realise how strong I am now.

Although I am medicated for Generalised Anxiety Disorder (including anxiety attacks and Post-partum Depression which followed), I no longer see a psychologist and I manage with lifestyle.. I see myself as a survivor and has someone who has recovered.

I know I will probably have more times like these that remind me of The Darker Times but I hope with my next babies I can enjoy the newborn stage and beyond.

A great easy to understand list of The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English) can be found HERE. I am so proud of how far I have come since a time where I pretty much experienced EVERYTHING on that list.

It is hard, I think, from an outsiders perspective, to comprehend mental illness in many circumstances. People can, without realising or saying anything, have a Glint of Judgment (click for great blog post that explains how it feels!). So many people have more hardships in life.

There are things about my experiences with peri-natal mood disorders that I haven’t shared… things I’m not sure how to express and things I have only remembered as time has gone on.

But, each time I see people finding my blog by searching things like “pnd and anxiety attacks”, ”will i lose my baby if i have anxiety” (and the fact that “postpartum insomnia” & “postpartum anxiety” are the #3 and #5 searched terms that lead people to my blog), I remember that it’s important to keep talking and to keep inspiring mamas and letting them know that this is treatable, temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.