Trigger warning: talk of depression, anxiety disorders & suicidal ideation/suicide.
I’m usually one for reaching out and talking about the difficult topics.
But in the past 6 or so months, I have been struggling (in varying degrees) with so much mentally.
But talking about this is so much harder now… Previously I had never been in that place.. Where I couldn’t bring myself to care and I was terrified of myself & my thoughts.
Now, I am too vulnerable. Anything but support is potentially damaging.. And putting yourself out there on the Internet pretty much guarantees a variety of views/beliefs.
I know the stigma too well. Even in my real life I’m surrounded by people who don’t take mental illness seriously, let alone my mental health. I know that so many people do not understand or accept mental illness and/or generalise and have a warped view of it.. not to mention the hurtful comments about medication and therapy.
I’m glad though, because this means they haven’t felt like I have.
However, it hurts. It pains me to hear people talk about depression and/or anxiety like it isn’t a serious issue.. Or like it can be overcome with optimism.
I know how blessed I am, I don’t take anything for granted, I know that I have so much to look forward to. I know that there are great qualities about me. It’s just not that simple.
At the same time, I get it.. Because I distinctly remember not-too-long-ago thinking that I could use my intelligence and sheer will to change the way I felt… to stop the seemingly never-ending stream of self-hate or put an end to an anxiety attack. I’m only now coming to terms with my mental illness and what it means.
It is true that that there are tools to help cope with how you react to situations.. but there are so many other factors in play. Mental illness is (often) chemical and it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not a result of not being able to talk yourself out of slipping into thought patterns. Believe me, I’m determined, clever and strong.. if that were possible, I would have done so by now.
Basically, what I’m saying is that I won’t be blogging because I’m struggling to share my thoughts.. not just with strangers on the web but with people in my life.. especially those who don’t really know me.
P.S. Also, I best let you know that I’ve increased the help and support that I can and am working hard with my psych as well as my healthcare team to do the best that I can to get through this, particularly when my hormones are so high. I will be ok, I know that.