My Topic Thursday post… on Friday 😛
Some moments deeply impact the way you view life and react to it… some completely alter the path you had set for yourself and others shake you to the core and change who you are.
These are my defining moments:
– Saying to Michael (my now husband) “I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard. I really really like you” on MSN as a 15 year old who was trying to help him get with a friend of mine who he liked. He then admitted that he had always liked me to and 6.5 years later – here we are!
– My first anxiety attack (as a 16 year old). It is hard to describe… that realisation that your mind is so powerful and fear can be all-consuming. I had anxiety attacks surrounding my intense want to achieve good grades.
– Seeing that I got an OP 2 on the computer screen. I realised that I was capable of more than I had thought.
– Breaking down and chosing to leave University (I studied Pharmacy for 1.5 years). My life did a complete 180 after this. Mike and I got engaged, moved out, we got our gorgeous cats and planned the very life we are leading now.
– Getting my first job as a nanny for a beautiful Down Syndrome baby girl. This taught me (in a nut shell) that life is precious and beautiful. I was so caught up in ‘perfection’ that I didn’t realise that imperfection is what makes life worth living and teaches you more than you could ever learn if everything went ‘perfectly’.
– My little sister giving birth to her first baby. I remember wondering how I could love someone so fiercely who I had never met before. Makes me cry even now. I remember thinking I cannot wait to do this.
– Chosing to start doing video blogs on Youtube. The huge amount of beautiful people I have met through my TTC vids, loss vids, pregnancy vids, etc has been overwhelming. All the emails of people opening up to me in such raw, lovely, heartbreaking and heartwarming ways changed how I feel about humans in general. Before that I really found it hard to connect to people. I now love to help people and inspire people.
– Falling pregnant for the first time, seeing our babies heartbeat flickering on the screen at 8 weeks gestation. Feeling the sheer enormity of the situation, that fire that ignites as you realise you are now a mother. Seeing Ollie absolutely blew my mind. That was my baby… our love made this beautiful being.
– Seeing our baby, lifeless on the screen at 14 weeks. Pain. There was nothing but complete naked emotional pain. September 15th will forever be a painful day for me. It really didn’t teach me more than how much it hurts to have something precious taken from you.
– Chosing to wait to miscarry naturally and birthing him unassisted at home after an 8 hour labour and birth process the day after our wedding. I would have never healed how I did without this decision. I would have never learnt what I did or grieved how I did or reached out and helped others how I did. The processes of birthing, seeing, holding and burying Oliver all taught me immensely powerful lessons.
– Our wedding day… The love I feel for Michael was transformed throughout this experience into something beyond me – beyond us.
– Falling pregnant with Cameron. This taught me how to combine sheer fear with unmeasureable happiness. It also surprised me with how strong hope is.
– Giving birth to Cameron. It was a blur of pain, confusion, fear, numbness, shock, relief, strength, awe and overwhelming happiness and possessiveness. It taught me the true meaning of losing control and surrendering as well as just how strong I am. It gave me this huge respect for mothers of all kinds that I never had before.
– Suffering from postnatal depression and anxiety attacks. I feel it has robbed me of so much and pains me more deeply than anything else ever has. It has taught me how strong my love is, to find and create beauty and inspired me to reach out to help in whatever small way to break through the stigma attached to mental illness.
What has helped shape who YOU are?