Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes I get utterly overwhelmed when I look at Cameron. Whether I’m glancing at him in the rearview mirror of the car into his little mirror and see him falling asleep or holding his Spot buggy book with his eyes full of wonder… or I step back and watch him interacting with other babies… or I sneak a peek at him from around the corner in his jumperoo and see his whole face light up… or… well you get it.

I get overwhelmed at seemingly normal things. But it is because it hits me… In this deep-down-difficult-to-describe-place… that I’m exactly where I want to be.

This afternoon we had to go to the doctors. We had already had a busy tiring day full with helping my sister get her kids organised, taking them to the airport, taking Phoebe to the dog park, and a playdate… so I was happy to watch Cameron’s little eyelids get heavy as we drove home. He had already slept on the way to the doctors so I wasn’t expecting it…

As I was driving, one of my favourite songs came on the radio and I looked at the evening sky and it looked like purple, pink and orange candyfloss. I liked how the trees were silhouettes in the foreground and how calm I felt as I drove down the straight road. I thought of how beautiful this world can be and how I hope that my children can appreciate and learn to love such beauty.

I must admit that I love that I’m the one he needs. When he cries… only I will do. It won’t always be that way. I love that he instantly calms down and snuggles into me… I love that he smiles a certain way just for me.

I love that I get to share this life with Michael. I love that he gets it. I love that he wants a big family too and that we talk openly about anything and everything. I love how he talks about Cam and looks at him. I can tell… without words… that he feels how I feel.

There’s this patch of grass outside our house on the corner that is filled with clovers… it’s velvety and soft so I like to take my shoes off and feel the coolness and smoothness on the soles of my feet.

I have an obsession at the moment with colour. I think it stems from organising Cam’s Half Birthday Picnic… but I’m also loving round things. That sounds odd… for example I love my weekly planner which is multicoloured and rounded from Smiggle and the cylinder of coloured pencils that I use for stencils in it to write phrases that inspire me… and the white canisters I’ve got for my T2 tea.

I think it is funny how purposeful you can feel as a mother. In a simplistic way I feel like I’m contributing… like I am worthy of some kind of understanding. I don’t know why I feel this sense of entitlement for doing something so primal and ordinary… but I do.

I feel an urge to be quiet… to withdraw and create…

Oops, the little one has woken.

P.S. I’m having a whole heap of issues with photos at the moment but they are coming!


3 thoughts on “Stream of Consciousness

  1. I know where you’re coming from, Rach. I look at Mothers and I am absolutely in AWE of them – that they created life, that a little life grew inside them and they then birthed that life, and now they are nurturing and raising that life out in the world. It is just magic and I can’ wait to do it myself ❤

  2. Such the simple things in life that make it really worth living. It feels good to know peace and love your life. I love being mom I feel like it is the best job I could ever had been so lucky to get! Love a good post!

  3. Your blog is such an inspiration! You put into words exactly how I too feel about my daughter. She was 3 years in the making, and well worth every second. What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight.
    Take care!

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