Mind If I Just Go Off Myself?

That got your attention.

You know I’m not doing great if I’m not blogging… I say I’m busy but I’ll almost always make the time even if that is the case.

I haven’t wrote anything because I don’t know how to share how I’m feeling authentically and without feeling contradictory.

I’ve meant to write a post like this but it took a friend doing something similar for me to realise that it needed to be done.

So here I go.

Usually I would write about how awesome it was to watch Cameron enjoy solids for the first time today… how his little face lit up and he hoovered the whole lot. Usually I would write about my latest obsession with Montessori activities and how fun it has been researching them and thinking of when Cam is older and more independent. Or I would type up a cutesy blog about how Cam is getting more mobile and giggly and other such positive and very true things.

But instead I’m going to tell you about how I walked away from my Mum’s group this evening and cried in the car. I sobbed… big heavy fat tears and my shoulders heaved. How I wished that I wasn’t unfit and embarrassed so I could join them tomorrow morning at the HOT (healthy over time) mums bootcamp and how I wished I could be honest and say “No, I’m not OK… I feel like I’m forever going to be this self-critical and self-loathing person who is going to find things to define me and compensate for an apparent lack of whatever-I-feel-I’m-missing-at-the-time”

I’ll somewhat unwillingly tell you of how I hardly left the room over the weekend and got Mike to help me with Cameron because I really just didn’t want to face this reality where I feel I’m such a failure.

It’s hard because – when it comes to me (nothing or nobody else) – I have this whole issue with success and failure… as if life is black and white like that… as if I can neatly place myself in one or the either and there is no good-enough. Like I have my own personal rule book which I don’t even have my hands on. It’s ridiculous. It’s impossible.

I hate the idea that my children could learn this ideal off me.

It was easier writing about having postpartum anxiety and depression when Cameron was newborn. Now that it has been almost half a year I feel like I’m not allowed that badge anymore… like I’m a fraud…

See, the thing is, I have a beautiful life… honestly and truly… a great husband, lovely relationship, decent finances, a gorgeous happy baby boy obviously, sweet pets and a nice home (even if we don’t own it). From the depths of my heart I truly love those elements of my life.

What I struggle with… in all honesty… is me. I don’t like myself – physically or emotionally. I struggle to feel as though anyone would like my company. I hate how I look and feel physically. I compete with social anxiety and feel awkward.

I seem to always be unintentionally offending people. & the people I expect to understand don’t seem to. I get so self-absorbed… I don’t mean to.

I say all of this but it’s clearly only some of the time that I feel this. I’m still living and loving my life but there are these underlying… niggling feelings of self-hate and this battle of self-esteem that can get me down. I’m still caring for Cam, loving motherhood, spending time with my mums group, taking Cam swimming, going out walking, going shopping, spending great times with Mike and enjoying TV that I like… etc

But as this is all happening I am contending with feeling unworthy, fat, like a bad Mum, resentful, misunderstood, stupid, ugly and useless.

Almost every day I struggle with the idea that I’m not any of these things… and I have to fight that negativity and chose to not do what the depressive side of me wants.

It’s hard for me to write this blog because I feel as though it’s allowing depression/anxiety to define me… but it’s only a tiny part of what makes me, me. That’s not to say that it’s not hard or important… but just that I hate to think people would consider me as negative… or that I don’t appreciate all that I have. If it were a choice – I clearly wouldn’t chose to feel this way… But I do.

So there you go. Hopefully I’ll get back into blogging…

Not the best 100th post. Sorry.

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11 thoughts on “Mind If I Just Go Off Myself?

  1. I know how you feel hon. I have a great life and I love my life and this anxiety is a small part really, However its there, these thoughts are there. I read into things people say way to much. Im ultra sensitive. I think Im an idiot, mean, awful person. I second guess myself all the time. The list goes on.

    I have a friend who tells me to pop over when ever. But instead of just ringing and saying ” hey wanna coffee im around the corner” I will debate weather I should ring or not. I think she probably just said it to be polite, she doesn’t really want to see me. I will picture her sighing when she sees its me ringing and think “oh shit its her” And so I wont go.

    I think everyone hates me and I dont have the confidence to pop in or ask someone to do something because I dont want to put them on the spot and them feel like they have to say yes.

    Its exhausting. Sometimes Im just happy to not bother and just be with the boys. But Then Ill get lonely and think I have to try harder. I also dont want the boys to be like this.

    There are mums at kinda who on the first meeting are like “hey wanna play date ” I would never ask anyone as Id hate for them to say No or feel they had to say yess.

    Its that we have no confidence in ourselves and we dont trust ourselves. How we fix that Ihave no idea. If you figure it out let me know.

    Please trust me though. You are doing great and I know your so many many things other than a mum suffering anxiety and depression.;
    I know deep down I am tooxx

    • You’re beautiful hun. I can so relate. I have found that accepting that I will feel like this but CHOSE to still go and do the things I know I truly want to (go to mothers group, ask someone to meet up, etc) helps… but I can’t always do it and I still find myself analysing everything and feeling negative… but I feel better ultimately.

      Much love hun. You are a brilliant Mumma!

      Thank you so much for replying ❤

    • If I may, I would like to reply to your post Rachel and also to leashab.

      Rachel, I can also relate to how you’re feeling. And without sounding proud, I’d like to say that I think I’ve finally, after 8 years of having children, started to figure out how to help my seemingly helpless self.

      And with that I give you one word:

      Service.

      I have noticed that this one simple word is the fix. I have noticed when I wake up in the morning and I am thinking how pock-marked with stretch marks I am… how horrible I am at keeping house… how bad of a mother I am…. I turn those thoughts around…

      Who can I serve today? Who’s day might I be able to brighten? Is there someone… anyone… who I could uplift and bring a ray of sunshine to?

      Because with service we have the power to conquer all of the bad thoughts and feelings… all those dark corners of our minds are filled with light and love when we immerse ourselves in the service of others.

      This is what has helped me to finally touch the tip of the iceberg of anxiety and depressive thoughts.

      I hope this helps… you. YOU are not alone Rachel. YOU are loved and cared for and you are never alone. God knows you, as well as all of us that silently share your ups and downs with you.

      *hugs* from across the globe…

      Janna

      • Thank you! You’re so right. I think several things are important in battling depression/anxiety but I know that one of them is this notion of service… of helping and making a difference.

        That’s why I blog about this in the first place, to try and reach out and help people. To show people it is ok to not have it all together. It’s still hard but thank you for your comment and support, it means alot to me (and leashab too, I’m sure).

  2. I can understand this so deeply. I can also tell you that it is not only normal but so many mothers have these same kind of thoughts and feelings. I struggled with depression and postpartum for almost a year. just because he is not a new born doesn’t mean your life is back to how it used to be. I had a major break down when my daughter was 9 months old. I seemed to have some idea in my mind that I was supposed to be back to who I was before and when that didnt happen I felt somehow i was different or broken. then i realized that I will never be the “me” that I was before my child was born. I will forever be different, my body is different, my mind even my hair. slowly i learned to embrace the new me. The mommy me, that i was perfectly OK just the way i am, stretchmarks and all. And slowly things are beginning to fit into place and I have found my peace in my mind again. really finding how to be me. I make a point to blog about me and how I feel, because like you I can go on and on about my child but its important to let the “me” out! You are on your way allow yourself time, it took nine months to grow him allow yourself that much time to grow too. remember not only your body changed but everything about you and that is beautiful!

  3. sweetie, you are NOT a fraud! I was not even diagnosed with PND until my second baby was about 5 months old! He is now 27 months and I still have bad days and take my AD’s. Motherhood is a journey, and there is no way it is all going to be happy – it’s hard work, it’s exhuasting, physically, emotionally and mentally, It’s draining, monotonous, isolating. Just as it is wonderful, rewarding, empowering etc.

    Just keep taking it one day at a time, don’t heap too many expectations on yourself, accept help, hell, ask for it when you need it! It’s ok to feel overwhelmed at times, that does not make you a bad mother, it makes you human…

    Now excuse me while I go break up WW3 that’s happening in the other room!

    Everyday is a challenge, but when you get to the end of it, and you have survived and you give them that goodnight kiss, it somehow seems worth it!

  4. I debated whether to write this… I type comments and posts all the time and delete them.

    I put off inviting people from mothers group over and every time I leave a friends house, an event, a catch up at the playground I analyse what I said and imagine how silly/stupid I sounded, or how I said too much/not enough/etc etc. I never call friends because I find phone calls incredibly nerve wracking – and you know what, it’s damaged friendships. In their minds it comes across as me not being interested or valuing their friendship.

    I get so self obsessed in thinking what people must be thinking of me… you know what though, I never go away analysing what everyone said or did in detail, but chances are – some of them are also doing it to themselves.

    I guess all I really want to say is that you are far from alone. There are plenty of people who don’t have diagnosed anxiety or depression who experience similar feelings. I know some cognitive behavioural therapy helped me step outside myself a little and start to work on changing those thought patterns. I hope it time you can start to overcome those feelings and realise you are a clever, articulate person, attractive and clearly a very loving mum.

    • Thank you Melissa. It’s people like you who give me strength and help me feel normal. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this too me. You’re so strong and beautiful and it really helps to hear these words from someone else. Much love ❤

  5. I just wanted to tell you how much i enjoy reading your posts. Also, you sound so much like me….and many of my close friends! The difference is you’re so honest and open about your feelings…not only with others but more importantly yourself. You are honest enough to say…i feel like i don’t fit in….i don’t really like myself etc. Ive come to realize that its a stage of life for those in-touch with their feelings and wanting to learn more about themselves. I think becoming a mum opens are hearts even more to these feelings. We want to be THE BEST we can for our children. BUT there is no such thing as being perfect. I know you know this! Life for you has to be about being ‘gentle’ on yourself. Realizing that when you are beating yourself up you must ‘draw back’. As you would with a friend when gently talking them through their problems…do this for yourself. I know that when i tell you that you’re an inspiration to many you wont believe me-because YOU dont believe that of yourself- but you ARE an inspiration. You’ve forced me to search for my ‘authentic’ self.. Your honesty is refreshing. You make your viewers/followers feel as if they are not alone in feeling alone. Please know that you are THE best mum for your wee man…even when you feel youre at your worst. His love is unconditional. ( I know you know this again…its just nice to be reminded 😉 ) Keep up the amazing posts. You have such a gift. And ill be honest…im quite jealous of you! Beautiful on the outside but most importantly humble and kind on the inside too.
    Kate

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