That got your attention.
You know I’m not doing great if I’m not blogging… I say I’m busy but I’ll almost always make the time even if that is the case.
I haven’t wrote anything because I don’t know how to share how I’m feeling authentically and without feeling contradictory.
I’ve meant to write a post like this but it took a friend doing something similar for me to realise that it needed to be done.
So here I go.
Usually I would write about how awesome it was to watch Cameron enjoy solids for the first time today… how his little face lit up and he hoovered the whole lot. Usually I would write about my latest obsession with Montessori activities and how fun it has been researching them and thinking of when Cam is older and more independent. Or I would type up a cutesy blog about how Cam is getting more mobile and giggly and other such positive and very true things.
But instead I’m going to tell you about how I walked away from my Mum’s group this evening and cried in the car. I sobbed… big heavy fat tears and my shoulders heaved. How I wished that I wasn’t unfit and embarrassed so I could join them tomorrow morning at the HOT (healthy over time) mums bootcamp and how I wished I could be honest and say “No, I’m not OK… I feel like I’m forever going to be this self-critical and self-loathing person who is going to find things to define me and compensate for an apparent lack of whatever-I-feel-I’m-missing-at-the-time”
I’ll somewhat unwillingly tell you of how I hardly left the room over the weekend and got Mike to help me with Cameron because I really just didn’t want to face this reality where I feel I’m such a failure.
It’s hard because – when it comes to me (nothing or nobody else) – I have this whole issue with success and failure… as if life is black and white like that… as if I can neatly place myself in one or the either and there is no good-enough. Like I have my own personal rule book which I don’t even have my hands on. It’s ridiculous. It’s impossible.
I hate the idea that my children could learn this ideal off me.
It was easier writing about having postpartum anxiety and depression when Cameron was newborn. Now that it has been almost half a year I feel like I’m not allowed that badge anymore… like I’m a fraud…
See, the thing is, I have a beautiful life… honestly and truly… a great husband, lovely relationship, decent finances, a gorgeous happy baby boy obviously, sweet pets and a nice home (even if we don’t own it). From the depths of my heart I truly love those elements of my life.
What I struggle with… in all honesty… is me. I don’t like myself – physically or emotionally. I struggle to feel as though anyone would like my company. I hate how I look and feel physically. I compete with social anxiety and feel awkward.
I seem to always be unintentionally offending people. & the people I expect to understand don’t seem to. I get so self-absorbed… I don’t mean to.
I say all of this but it’s clearly only some of the time that I feel this. I’m still living and loving my life but there are these underlying… niggling feelings of self-hate and this battle of self-esteem that can get me down. I’m still caring for Cam, loving motherhood, spending time with my mums group, taking Cam swimming, going out walking, going shopping, spending great times with Mike and enjoying TV that I like… etc
But as this is all happening I am contending with feeling unworthy, fat, like a bad Mum, resentful, misunderstood, stupid, ugly and useless.
Almost every day I struggle with the idea that I’m not any of these things… and I have to fight that negativity and chose to not do what the depressive side of me wants.
It’s hard for me to write this blog because I feel as though it’s allowing depression/anxiety to define me… but it’s only a tiny part of what makes me, me. That’s not to say that it’s not hard or important… but just that I hate to think people would consider me as negative… or that I don’t appreciate all that I have. If it were a choice – I clearly wouldn’t chose to feel this way… But I do.
So there you go. Hopefully I’ll get back into blogging…
Not the best 100th post. Sorry.