Michelle (Thank you!!!) suggested I do a blog about my pregnancy blogs and vlogs and how it feels to re-read them, re-live them and how my expectations differ from my now-reality.
To be honest I got super emotional reading my first entries. It feels so familiar and sweet. It’s hard to truly understand how that tiny 4 mm blob was Cameron who is now growing a tooth about that size, starting to get up onto his knees and scoot backwards and can sit unassisted for short periods of time.
My expectations regarding motherhood were completely different to my reality… but I don’t think anyone could prepare for this. No amount of advice or reading or classes could truly make you ready for in particular the emotional aspects of parenting and the implications they have on your mental state, relationships and daily life.
I think anyone’s best bet would be to go to a mothers group… that would give you the best idea. The main topics of conversation are breasts, poo, vomit, pureed mush, crying, drooling, lack of sex, tiredness and the latest baby products.
Still though, I bet pregnant women would have felt like me and thought “I’ll be different”. Your reality will also involve these substitutions:
Make up for puke/piss/poo/something-else-entirely in their hair and on their clothes at all times
New fashion for wearing the same outfits for well over a year (maternity pants, how I love thee)
Favourite novels for baby books of all kinds
Body products for bath toys
Sleep for… you guessed it – no sleep
Warm meals for whatever-you-can-grab
Cute handbags for something that resembles an overnight suitcase
Jewellery for toys
A clean home for organised chaos
Alcohol for fenugreek tea
Etc etc etc
& you will love it. Truly. Deeply. Madly. *sings*
I never expected how chemical it is… how primal it is to want to nurture your child and to want to help them not to cry. I honestly would do anything to see Cameron’s smile and I truly feel heartsore when he cries.
I never expected to feel so vulnerable and alien… and yet strong and accepted (into the whole notion of motherhood I suppose). Contradictory… I think the alien-ness comes from being so different to your former self yet you’re now part of this unspoken group. Mothers smile knowingly at you and people are happy to randomly stop you and talk to you and your baby.
I never expected to feel as though I know nothing… and yet know what is best for my boy. At times you can feel so lost as a mother – “why is he crying?” “why hasn’t he pooed?” “why does he hate the car?” “what is different between me sitting with him and me standing?” … But don’t you dare attempt to give me advice like you know better 😛
I never expected the intensity and fierceness of my love and protectiveness. I thought I knew but I had no idea.
They say it’s hard to remember your life without them and it is so so so true. I think of my life pre-baby as BC (before Cammy) and it was before I really started living.
I’ve experienced such a vast spectrum of emotions and experiences… some I wish I didn’t have to but they make the others super sweet. I know I was made for this. I will continue to dream and to create more beautiful memories… more deliciousness. It has barely begun.