Around two years ago Mike and I walked hand-in-hand into my first ever pregnancy scan. With an intense mixture of excitement and nerves we went into the room to see our first little baby.

Little did we know that it would be the first and last time that we would see our Oliver with his tiny heart pumping away while he wriggled in my belly. That devine rhythmic beat making that line surge up and down and filling our minds with more hopes and dreams than we could express.

I remember that full feeling I got when I saw him. That sweet, sweet blossoming feeling. That can’t-contain-my-happiness feeling. I remember the permanent grins imprinted on our naive faces.

Oh how I clutched onto those scan pictures. Tangible proof of this beautiful life we had created. We brought more baby items and I excitedly drew up more ideas for his nursery. We called Oliver’s grandparents and we told them every little detail in quick succession.

“‘Lil Brownie is measuring at 8 weeks and the heartbeat is 150 beats per minute. He was wiggling about and was so cute!”

(Thank you so much again Carly for finding me and taking this beautiful picture for our boy)

I like remembering this day.

I wish we knew you Ollie. I wish your little brother could have known you. I wish it were different. I hope you feel how often we think of you and hear how we wonder aloud how you would have looked/acted/been with Cameron.

We miss you. Today, and every day.

You left this earth knowing you were loved and with your Mumma… as close as two people can be. We are so priveleged that you chose us baby.


3 thoughts on “Remembering

  1. Oh that got tears in my eyes. When ever you write “as close as two people can be” it gets a lump in my throat. I lost a baby too.

    I did Ivf to get my twins and had two eggs popped back in somehow at the first scan there were THREE heart beats. I had either fallen pg naturally or one egg split in two. At 9 weeks I saw his little heart beat and 10 weeks it was gone. I had no bleeding or reason for another scan but I just felt diff and new something was wrong. Its was hard to morn because I never thought I would fall pg let alone with three so I was happy I still had two healthy babies in there and soo sad I had lost one. It was so strange as if it was my only baby I had lost I would have been on the floor heaving in sadness, but there was part of me that felt like I couldn’t be sad as I still had two babies. I finally made it home and allowed myself to be sad for that little one I lost. Sometimes I forget that I was pg with three babies I feel like my little man got lost in the big picture.

    Thank You for reminding me to think of him more often.

    Take care

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