The Memory Making
We have been sick.
So our days have consisted of tissues:
…which Cameron managed to get into and create this mess. Cameron is constantly pulling himself up to stand now. He is amazing and my poor nerves get a workout on a regular basis! He now climbs things. He managed to climb up 4 stairs at my brother-in-laws parents place following his cousin (while I supervised and tried desperately to let him be a big boy) and he pulled up to stand to get down said tissue box and create the mess in the picture in the blink of an eye while I got a drink in the morning.
Apologies for the bad quality photos by the way. I still don’t have my regular camera…
Our days have mostly begun with dressing gowns:
The other day was the 2nd year anniversary of when we found out that we had lost our first baby. It is the hardest date for me by far. The day I miscarried (the day after my wedding, 5th October) and Ollie’s due date (18th March) are both tied to positives and signify some pretty remarkable lessons learnt so while they’re difficult and still sad; they’re also bittersweet and important for other reasons.
The day I miscarried physically is positive because I remember the smiles as we held him and saw his tiny body and unbelievably little features. It is a day that is filled with relief and closure. Ollie’s due date is so close to Cameron’s date of conception and therefore has this feeling of connectedness which makes me feel like this all happened for a reason beyond my understanding.
But the 15th of September is the day our world was shook to the core. When I see that date I get a sinking feeling throughout my core and visions of that screen, those words, and it was the beginning of one of the most difficult 3 weeks of my life (waiting to miscarry naturally whilst planning a wedding and honeymoon).
So I allowed myself the other day some time and space to grieve. I sat with Cameron out by Oliver’s trees and talked to him about his older brother and allowed myself the time to imagine if things were different. I cried. I cried myself to sleep whilst Cameron curled up to me and held my finger and I allowed myself to remember that I could have had all of this with Ollie – but instead I have very different memories.
I didn’t worry what other people thought or what I “should” have been doing. I simply allowed that one day to do more than think “I miss my boy” and remember how hard it was, how far we have came and what I will never have. Not to torture myself but to gain some perspective.I know how lucky I am now. I know. But having Cameron doesn’t bring back Oliver or erase the hardship I endured. I’m still always going to be one baby less.
I woke up with a headache and no motivation to eat or do much at all but decided I needed to get out of the house for Cameron’s sake. So we went and saw Aunty Sil Sil… best friends always have the cure. She baked a cake, let me shamelessly eat the icing, took me to the botanical gardens and fed me and laughed with me. I lubbers her like a lubbers her thing. & so does Cam.
Cameron chased and stalked a baby scrub turkey (I’m serious… he army crawled everywhere following this little guy – Silv’s bf Justin joked that he was ‘chasing birds’) and nommed on strawberries. It was a gorgeous day and just what I needed to re-boot.
I’ve been working on my blog a lot. I managed to delete all my posts on blogger (dang it! thank goodness I imported them to wordpress!) while trying to upload a new theme that I created (so it looks pretty but has no posts…) but can’t use on wordpress.com (works on blogger and on wordpress.org if I got a host and created my own domain but I’m too lazy!) So for now I’m tweaking this blog and making it more ‘me’. Let me know what you think of it and feel free to take our button (let me know, I’m creating a blogroll soon!), connect with us (facebook, youtube, twitter) and continue voting because you’re awesome like that.