Two Years

The 4th of October was mine and Mike’s second year wedding anniversary and it was a gorgeous day weather-wise but still paled in comparison to our day.

I looked at Michael and saw he already had tears. My throat had a swelling of emotion caught in it and I focussed on keeping it together but was feeling it. My whole being was feeling it. He was too perfect. The day was too perfect.

Grandad mumbled at me to watch my step onto the red carpet and I giggled as I kicked my big dress in front of me and shuffled down the isle. I beamed at Mike and he beamed back and he got more tears. Every person I looked at had the same emotion showing… happiness. Unshakeable happiness.

I got to the end of the isle and faced Michael. We mouthed “I love you’s” and I told him I wanted to kiss him. I couldn’t wait to kiss him.

Our celebrant kept the ceremony light and it flowed perfectly. At one moment I just listened to the birds. We picked the venue for many reasons but one was the flower fountain and the birds. I love birds, I’ve always felt a connection to them. And on our wedding day a group of beautiful lorikeets came to bath and eat and watch and sing. It was so lovely.

Speaking with Michael since, we have both discovered how in the moment we were. Everyone says “did it feel like a blur” and no, not really, things slowed down and we embraced the now. We really felt it all together.

The day was utterly magical. It was hot but not terribly so. The air was very still and the sky was blue. Colours seemed more vibrant and the day had a certain ambiance. It was simply magical.

I could feel Ollie there. We both could. He was in everything.

Michael was holding my hands and we began the vows. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to hold it together. I wrote each word. Meant each word. Live and breath each word… and our journey is so special.

Surprisingly I kept it together through Michael’s vows and smiled through each sentence. I couldn’t see my bridesmaids but my sister assured me later on that she was crying and a couple of other’s had tears but it was mostly smiles.

I repeated the vows after the celebrant:

I, Rachel ***, take you, Michael ***, to be my husband,
my best friend and my love from this day forward,
In front of everyone here I pledge to be true to you,
to respect you and to grow with you through the years.
Time may pass, fortune may smile, trials may come;
no matter what we encounter,
I vow here that this love will be my only love.
For eternity, you and I.

The swelling of emotion in my throat soared through me and I choked through the last three sentences and Michael’s face held our pain when I choked out the words “trials may come”… I just wanted to hold him.

Before long we finally heard the words “You may now kiss your bride” and we managed a big passionate kiss before the celebrant said “I think some people missed that” and told us to kiss again. Then in the blink of an eye there was cheering and clapping and we were walking back down the isle hand in hand.

The next day, I miscarried. It wasn’t a completely sad day. It was one filled with relief, closure, awe and strength.

Our sweet baby is beautiful, he’s perfect… little eyes, nose, ears, arms, legs… our sweetheart is at peace. Birthed at 9:40 PM on the 5th October 2008 at home with his newly wed Mummy and Daddy at 16.5 weeks.

It was a beautiful, intense moment seeing Oliver for the first time. Michael and I had tears flowing and marvelled over his perfection. We held him together in our hands and talked about what beautiful, phenomenal lessons we have learnt and what a blessing he truly is.  We have learnt so much and grown so much in ways I cannot easily express.

It is so hard to not question what went wrong and think it is unfair. He is tiny and amazing, our precious boy.

A lot can happen in two years…

Last year at this time we returned to where we got married:

& this year I have this to photograph:

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3 thoughts on “Two Years

  1. this brought tears to my eyes. Even though the last few years have been difficult for you, you always manage to make even the most painful experiences beautiful and worthwhile.

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