Motherhood has not felt intuitive to me.
My intuition is hidden under [twenty-odd years of] layers of opinions, expectations and ideals.
My own. My families. My friends. My aquaintences. The online community I have participated in. The media. My healthcare professionals. My colleagues. The list goes on.
I have found myself on a journey that included a fair deal of self doubt, insecurities and guilt. It sounds negative and somewhat dramatic but it has been my experience.
I have had to peel back layers of misinformation and conflicting advice to find the parenting that really resonates with me… what I’m comfortable with. For my situation. & only then have I been able to build confidence from this.
Right now, I’ve only just started to be the mum I really want to be. & it has meant some really lovely and beneficial changes. I have released expectations that I hadn’t even realised were there. & I have finally started to be honest with myself about some of my personal issues and realised that so much is in my control and that what isn’t in my control can still be positive.
I’ll never be a relaxed parent. Just to state the obvious. I’ll most likely always question whether I’m making the right decisions or look further into things. But I’m starting to realise that there are positives within this thinking too.
It’s not all been about parenting, this journey of discovery, adaptation and confidence; it has been about myself as a woman too. I’ve started to really embrace the things that I feel strongly about and more importantly be secure in it.
That is not to say that I have all the answers. Or that I don’t still experience guilt/anxiety/insecurity. But now I have opened a doorway to a place where I can deal with these things differently and react in more beneficial ways (most of the time).
So now I’m building different layers…