Only a few months ago I couldn’t even contemplate not breastfeeding. And now… we are gently helping Cameron wean. I’m starting to refuse, distract and offer alternatives.
It’s still hard sometimes, for me, to lose that part of our relationship. But it’s what I believe I have to do if I want our family to grow. I’m still yet to have my first post-partum period and Cameron is almost 16 months old! I want my cycles back, I want to be fertile and my God I want a sibling for him!
The ache is back and it’s different and beautiful. I so desperately want to be pregnant again and to see our family expand. I want a baby brother or sister for Cameron (he now points to babies when we are out and about and says “bubby!” and is so gentle and sweet with new bubs!!!)
Cameron is now excited when he sees cows milk and asks for his sippy. He still asks for boobah several times a day but he’s content if I say “you want boobah? OK, later” or “would you like milk from the fridge in a sippy instead?” or “do you want a snack?” or even “not now”.
It’s easier than I thought it would be. & now Cameron will (sometimes) go to sleep without me (Mike putting him to sleep) and without boobah. Which is a big deal to us.
It’s such a relief and even though I loved our bedtime story, cuddles and boobah this newness is pretty lovely too. Cameron will say “nigh nigh” to me and gives me several kisses before blowing kisses and going with his Daddy.
I’ve always been somewhat of an attachment parent – without setting out to be if that makes sense. We just went along with what felt right for us and before I knew it we were co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding. & while I adore it all, I also want Cameron to learn to feel secure enough to do things without me and to learn different methods of comfort.
It’s hard being the only thing that he associates with comfort, sleep & security. Of course, I’ll always be there for comfort him and make him feel secure and confident… but this is a great step forwards.
One day this week he only had one feed. However, he’s gone back to more frequent nursing yesterday and today. We are hoping to get him down to two feeds a day max and helping him to sleep without nursing. It’ll be a process.
I go back and forth on how I feel about it. I’ve been surprised at how it has made me upset. I go from feeling relieved at the progress to protective of our nursing relationship. It is mostly difficult because I wouldn’t be encouraging weaning if it weren’t for the fertility factor. I would happily nurse until he was 2 years old.
However, here is to more progress! Wish us luck!