Why I won’t be blogging until further notice

Trigger warning: talk of depression, anxiety disorders & suicidal ideation/suicide.

I’m usually one for reaching out and talking about the difficult topics.

But in the past 6 or so months, I have been struggling (in varying degrees) with so much mentally.

But talking about this is so much harder now… Previously I had never been in that place.. Where I couldn’t bring myself to care and I was terrified of myself & my thoughts.

Now, I am too vulnerable. Anything but support is potentially damaging.. And putting yourself out there on the Internet pretty much guarantees a variety of views/beliefs.

I know the stigma too well. Even in my real life I’m surrounded by people who don’t take mental illness seriously, let alone my mental health. I know that so many people do not understand or accept mental illness and/or generalise and have a warped view of it.. not to mention the hurtful comments about medication and therapy.

I’m glad though, because this means they haven’t felt like I have.

However, it hurts. It pains me to hear people talk about depression and/or anxiety like it isn’t a serious issue.. Or like it can be overcome with optimism.

I know how blessed I am, I don’t take anything for granted, I know that I have so much to look forward to. I know that there are great qualities about me. It’s just not that simple.

At the same time, I get it.. Because I distinctly remember not-too-long-ago thinking that I could use my intelligence and sheer will to change the way I felt… to stop the seemingly never-ending stream of self-hate or put an end to an anxiety attack. I’m only now coming to terms with my mental illness and what it means.

It is true that that there are tools to help cope with how you react to situations.. but there are so many other factors in play. Mental illness is (often) chemical and it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not a result of not being able to talk yourself out of slipping into thought patterns. Believe me, I’m determined, clever and strong.. if that were possible, I would have done so by now.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I won’t be blogging because I’m struggling to share my thoughts.. not just with strangers on the web but with people in my life.. especially those who don’t really know me.

————————————————————

P.S. Also, I best let you know that I’ve increased the help and support that I can and am working hard with my psych as well as my healthcare team to do the best that I can to get through this, particularly when my hormones are so high. I will be ok, I know that.

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18 thoughts on “Why I won’t be blogging until further notice

  1. I mean this in the absolute most positive way “GOOD FOR YOU”!!!! I have been a child of a parent with Clinical Depression and have seen and dealt with the ups and downs my whole life. Believe me you need only cheerleaders in your corner now. I’m proud that you stood up and shook your finger at it and beating it off with a stick. All of us have to faace our faults sooner or later. If more mothers did this it wouldn’t still be such a Taboo. Hang in there the end is closer than it appears. Get off here and get better, we’ll see you again when you’re ready! 😀

  2. Hey Rachel I have not commented for a long time. In Fact I stayed away because of the comment I made the last time. Im still sorry about that.
    Just know that as someone who suffers anxiety too. Pregnancy and mental illness is hard. I remember with my son born two weeks after Cameron, while pg with him I felt wonderful it was after when the hormones left me that I felt horrible.
    I have been of my meds for three years now but I deal with anxiety ever.single.day. In some way. Just walking into a shopping center I get a little bit of anxiety. My kids and there well being, are they safe, and I feeding them right, are they ok??? Keeps me up and night.
    Im brushing over this as Its do indepth but I know what you are deeling with. I have very little support from my family, they just dont get it. Not even my husband. He loves me and I him but he does not get it.
    I really pray that you find peace in your mind. And when bubs is out and medication can be increased I am certain that you will start to feel better. It sucks HIPPO BALLS. But you WON’T feel like this forever. Its just soooooo hard to belive that when you are in it. One day at a time x

  3. As someone who has suffered from different degrees of anxiety and depression including PND I really feel for you. Nobody can know what you are going through though- even if they have had similar thoughts feeling before so I am not going to pretend i know how you feel.

    I wish you the very best though and hope to see you back blogging sometime but if we don`t that is okay too because I know you will be doing what is best for you and for your family.

    Hope the rest of your pregnancy progresses okay and best of luck for the birth.

  4. Why people feel the need to spread their negativity is beyond me, but I hate when it ends up in my inbox – so I can understand why that would be the last thing you need right now. 🙂 congratulations on your little girl! I remember when you were expecting C – and look at how big and beautiful he is now! Take care of you momma. We’ll miss you, but we’ll still be here when you’re ready to come back.

  5. Thinking of you. I, too, suffer from anxiety. Recently to the level that my meds have been doubled and I’ve had to seek more help. All of this in spite of the fact that I have a wonderful husband, children, job, life….! I have relatives in denial, so I cannot talk to them. My father-in-law says that only “optimism” can improve one’s state. He says that if you have depression, anxiety, or sickness of any kind, it is “because you do not have enough faith in God”…??!! I hurt for you, Rachel, but I know that you WILL be okay. Hang in there, girl. I look forward to hearing from you again in the future. Your posts have helped me, and I will miss you.

  6. Good idea to take a break from blogging & focus on you & your babies Rachel. Little M & I will be awaiting your healthy return, hopefully sooner, rather than later. We will miss your energy & Montessori ideas!
    Love, Áine

  7. You are an amazing person just for the fact that you can recognize this and work on it. That – I think – is the hardest part. We will miss you but I’m sure I’m not alone when I say take all the time you need. We’ll be here when you get back 🙂

  8. It’s difficult to know what to say but I feel to say something is better than to say nothing. I wish you the very, very best. Take care.

  9. Hi Racheous, I have been following your posts since I had my miscarriage in November and you have been a real inspiration for me. Just thought I would post on here because I too have suffered sporadically with depression and anxiety. I had a miscarriage back in November and it hit me hard, not so much at the start but over Christmas and New Year when I actually slowed down and was able to grieve. I wanted to get pregnant so badly again soon and that was all I could think about. Well, by mid February, my moods changed drastically and since then I have been like a different person much to the confusion of my partner. I found out I was pregnant which I should have been over the moon about but I seem to have gone into a deep depression and am not interested in anything anymore – my friends, partner, job, and home life. It feels so out of control. I tried anti depressants before getting pregnant again and had an adverse reaction to them so stopped them straight away thinking that therapy would help which it did. But now, my depression is terrible and all I want is a pill to alleviate my mood but I”m worried about harming the baby. I know you have said you are on medication but I thought I would ask if you had any recommendations. Sorry I have turned this around when you are in a time of need aswell and I will understand if you don’t get back to me, but I think people who feel like this can be a good support to each other.
    Thanks

  10. Just ran across your blog looking for party ideas. Just wanted to send my support and prayers. Mental health is hard, especially as a mom when it is your job to take care of others. It’s often hard to find time for ourselves and our own health.

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