Why I won’t be blogging until further notice

Trigger warning: talk of depression, anxiety disorders & suicidal ideation/suicide.

I’m usually one for reaching out and talking about the difficult topics.

But in the past 6 or so months, I have been struggling (in varying degrees) with so much mentally.

But talking about this is so much harder now… Previously I had never been in that place.. Where I couldn’t bring myself to care and I was terrified of myself & my thoughts.

Now, I am too vulnerable. Anything but support is potentially damaging.. And putting yourself out there on the Internet pretty much guarantees a variety of views/beliefs.

I know the stigma too well. Even in my real life I’m surrounded by people who don’t take mental illness seriously, let alone my mental health. I know that so many people do not understand or accept mental illness and/or generalise and have a warped view of it.. not to mention the hurtful comments about medication and therapy.

I’m glad though, because this means they haven’t felt like I have.

However, it hurts. It pains me to hear people talk about depression and/or anxiety like it isn’t a serious issue.. Or like it can be overcome with optimism.

I know how blessed I am, I don’t take anything for granted, I know that I have so much to look forward to. I know that there are great qualities about me. It’s just not that simple.

At the same time, I get it.. Because I distinctly remember not-too-long-ago thinking that I could use my intelligence and sheer will to change the way I felt… to stop the seemingly never-ending stream of self-hate or put an end to an anxiety attack. I’m only now coming to terms with my mental illness and what it means.

It is true that that there are tools to help cope with how you react to situations.. but there are so many other factors in play. Mental illness is (often) chemical and it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not a result of not being able to talk yourself out of slipping into thought patterns. Believe me, I’m determined, clever and strong.. if that were possible, I would have done so by now.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I won’t be blogging because I’m struggling to share my thoughts.. not just with strangers on the web but with people in my life.. especially those who don’t really know me.

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P.S. Also, I best let you know that I’ve increased the help and support that I can and am working hard with my psych as well as my healthcare team to do the best that I can to get through this, particularly when my hormones are so high. I will be ok, I know that.

2012!

It seems I took a bit of a break from blogging over the festive season! I can’t believe we are 11 days into 2012 already!

Christmas & Cameron’s 2nd birthday both were amazing and we were left with full bellies and a serious toy overload. I have been trying to re-organise his playroom but it looks as though we will have to take up some space in our spare room for his massive Thomas the Tank Engine collection!

I can’t believe my son is 2! Well, I can, if I look at him and how much of a little boy he is and how far he has come since he was born.

I’m 28.5 weeks pregnant with our daughter and all is going well. I have my first psychologist appointment tomorrow, alongside another doctor appointment. My medication has been increased slightly after several depressive episodes. It feels strange to be battling depression more than anxiety. I have all that I want and yet my mind is my own worst enemy!

Part of Cam’s birthday present from Mike and I was meeting Thomas the Tank engine and friends – at our local railway museum! There was a fun bumpy mini train (on wheels) ride, songs and stories from the Fat Controller, he got to go inside Thomas (and Donald – a new fave) and see various other trains from the books/show. We have been again since and plan to a couple more times before the Thomas set up finishes at the end of the month.

The museum itself is full of awesome, interactive, educational fun with train simulations, science experiments, various themes throughout the year, a playground, a huge model train set up (big with my hubby who is working on his own model train set!), a cinema and tonnes of big trains and information. We got an annual pass – Mike is really looking forward to their annual model train expo later in the year!

We were lucky enough to have a photoshoot with a friend who is getting into photography and is really talented. It was such a lovely shoot and the images are amazing! I’ll do a separate post with a slideshow of some of the images! My belly bump sure is growing!

We sent off our cultural exchange packages just after Christmas and we received our first package the other day! And from non-other than Rachael herself from Little Red Farm (who set up the cultural exchange and has a post about the contents of her parcels here)

I honestly wasn’t too sure about Cameron’s interest level on the packages at this age but I was pleasantly surprised! I should have known, Cam loves flags, money and little novelty items. He immediately loved the flag and we talked to him about it coming from somewhere far away from a little boy who is two like him (he’s very facinated about being ‘two’).

His favourite things were the soccer items and the chocolate money. Now he sees the real coins and asks for chocolate 😛 I loved the idea of making the postbox and we will soon. All of the information was so detailed and great to read! I’m so glad we participated in the exchange and hope that the recipients of our package enjoy their parcels!

Racheous

Just Random Updates

I was a difficult newborn, always screaming and refusing to eat. As a toddler and child I was a too clever and curious; always questioning and challenging my Mum. “Don’t touch” meant “see what happens if you touch” and any answer was questioned.

Lately a couple of things Cameron has done has made me think I might be in for some of the same.

The other day I told him that his Fireman Sam DVD (or “San DDD” as he calls it) was sleeping. He pondered this then asked me “are you sure?”. I’m going to have to be more honest with reasoning with him!

Recently I asked Cam to get my bag for me (I had pelvic girdle pain). He started to go get it then stopped, turned around and said “what do you say?” (sounded like “what-oo-saay?”) to which I had to reply “Please” before he went and got it for me. Very cute!

The past week has been hard with Cameron cutting another tooth, sleepless nights and more nights without my husband because he is studying.

Rosebud is moving tonnes and we have shared her real name with family and close friends. I’ll leave you with a pic of me at 22 weeks, I’m now 23 weeks 🙂

20 Week Morphology Scan

We had our scan on Friday and Bud is super healthy & happy in there but had his/her legs firmly together for the whole hour!

Bud also had his/her face up against the placenta, so we have no photos of his/her face.

I’m not going to lie, I was super disappointed! Once I knew that he/she was healthy (the sonographer was so thorough with all the organs and structures! that was great) I just wanted to know the gender and see the cute face!

So I don’t even have pics to share – unless you want to see the ventricles of the heart or the kidneys, etc 😛

In exciting news I’m now past the half-way mark (20 weeks pregnant)! I know, it’s flying by, right? & Cammy has been bubby-crazy since the scan and saying how he/she is cute and giving my belly bump kisses and cuddles. It’s so sweet!

I hope your weekends were great!

Keeping Busy

With the hubby away every evening doing Tafe work (gaining more qualifications and endorsements for his trade), Cameron and I have been keeping busy.

Aside from the usual hum of the day, from caring for pets, to singing and reading or outdoor play, we have filled our days with new engaging activities.

We went back to our local nature centre. Last time we went there Cammy was quite a bit younger. This time it was such a more interactive experience. It’s so great to have ‘real’ experiences like this; so much more is absorbed by a toddler when they can see/smell/hear/touch things up close!

Cameron even learnt some new words (goana and wallaby amongst others) and loved the big lazy sleeping wombats and the noisy dirty pigs. We will definitely have to return one day soon.

We brought some new shelving for Cam’s playroom. Now I feel much more organised with a place for everything and everything in it’s place. The bottom two cubes on the left even have Bud’s things ready for him/her.

It has been HOT here lately too so we popped down to our closest water park to cool down the other day. Cameron really got into it this time and got soaked & played for ages.

I posted a couple of short, cute clips of Cammy being his adorable self up on my Youtube channel. I plan on doing a gender reveal video and pregnancy vlog this weekend.

Cam loves interacting with my bump & Bud.

ther excitement has been my sisters new puppy! My nephews birthday is coming up and Cam’s Aunty Vicki got a bulldog x for him. She is only 8 weeks old and very sweet.

We have still been playing with the water beads frequently but the other day I switched things up and added paint (watered down, non-toxic acrylics) and paper and invited Cam to go wild bouncing, squeezing, rolling and painting with the water beads. This was a hit!

This afternoon after Cameron’s sleep we went to the lakes armed with some bread to feed ducks. This was such a relaxing experience and we got to see some other critters (turtles, lizards, native birds, fish and an eel!) too.

Only 2 sleeps until I get to see ‘Bud’. I’m nervous and excited… I just can’t wait. Here’s to hoping time goes fast!

Family Snaps

I haven’t had a digital camera for a fair while now (I’ve had a bad run with them, this is the second one to break on me!) – hence the dodgy phone-camera pics.

But I thought I would share some of our family snaps!

Cammy all suited up for my Dad’s wedding. He looked mighty cute but refused to wear his shoes! He held Jayka (his cousins) hand to walk down the isle. I told them “hold hands and walk” & they took that quite literally – walking right up and straight past the bridal party! Too cute!

Our little family.

Slides have become a sure favourite lately. Cam asks to go to the park often and loves slides like this one where he can get up and slide down independently. We count him down and his pride when he does it all by himself is so precious to see.

Me at 17 weeks pregnant, rocking the bed hair, pjs and stretch marks. Note the belly-button poking out! Bud is now moving regularly and Mike felt him/her nudging his hand today. The other day we experienced our first in-utero hiccups too. It’s just as magical and awe-some as with Cammy’s pregnancy.

I am so so happy. & so so blessed.

My Babies

*sighs* It’s so lovely to say/type/think “my babies”…

Today I am 15 weeks pregnant! Most of the more unpleasant symptoms are gone (goodbye nausea!) but I’m still always tired and the reflux has begun. These things pale in significance to the wonderful things… like my belly button starting to pop out (yes, already!) and teeny flutters below my belly button. Hi Bud, Mummy feels you!

Cameron is 21 months old! This is a busy age where I can literally witness his development daily.

New developments include: drawing lines and circles. Pointing out shapes (circle, crescent, star, diamond). Doing rolly poleys! (too cute!) and his colour sorting skills are evolving. He also expertly kicks a ball with the inside of his foot (much to Mike’s delight).

He is eating so much more. He has cut some new eye teeth and since then his appetite is crazy. He starts most days with two weetbix and loves snacking all day (cashews, berries, sultanas, crackers and apples feature heavily).

Cameron can now undress himself (shirt, shorts, nappy and all!) so I have to watch him in public! I encouraged undressing himself for bath-time and toileting so now it’s time to teach appropriateness of timing 😛

Speaking of toileting, toilet learning isn’t going so great. With a combination of a busy toddler who only vaguely is interested half the time and a Mum who is equally as wishy-washy with enthusiasm, we have a recipe for little progress. We have only had a couple of potty successes. Although he enjoys the routine – running to the toilet, taking off his pants and nappy, getting up on the seat (with trains on it!) and asking for tissues… and he looks mighty cute in teeny ‘big-boy’ undies!

Next weekend my Dad is getting married so you can expect some super-cute photos of Cameron all dressed up in a mini-suit! I also have several posts in drafts that I’ll hopefully get around to finishing soon 🙂

Thank you for the lovely comments on my last post!

Bud: Wombview

Everything went perfectly. I was much more nervous this time around and really struggled with the similarities between this pregnancy and my first.

But there was sweet Bud dancing about on the screen. Cameron was very excited “Baaaaabyyyy!” and gave my belly a kiss. I think we underestimated how much he understood.

Everything is measuring spot on and looking perfect. My blood test results came back all clear (I was expecting low iron levels as I’ve been so fatigued) which is great.

We are so very blessed.

With my midwife appointment tomorrow and our mini holiday from Friday to Sunday, we are keeping busy 🙂

Sunshine, Helicopters and My Belly

Amber necklace from Mumma Rocks thanks to a beautiful friend

Spring has well and truly hit and with temperatures of close to 30 degrees on some days we have been enjoying some fun in the sun at our local water park.

Speaking of fun in the sun, we are going on a little holiday up the coast with Mike’s family next weekend. We are really looking forward to the break!

Two helicopters used our local lake to fill up with water to put out a nearby fire. Cameron was so excited and it was such a neat opportunity for him to see them up close!

I’m 12 weeks pregnant and the nausea is subsiding (lucky!). I’m showing so much although it is yet to feel real. I have my scan on Monday and my first antenatal appointment on Thursday.

I’ll update after the scan!